how things are

i haven't been doing too well lately. for the past three weeks i've been having anxiety / panic attacks. i had a few earlier this year, but once every three months did not worry me all that much - and i was not even sure what they were. daily attacks, however, are a different matter. and of course by now i am scared all the time that i might have another one. the really bad ones all happened at home, or at friends' places, but i have had them at work, on public transport, at a supermarket, and while out walking. my friends both here in vienna and around the world have been absolutely amazing. they listen, they look after me, they offer places to stay (an offer i have accepted many times these past two weeks), and are quite simply there whenever i need them. i know i need professional help, but the trouble is that in my current financial situation (yes, the company still owes me quite a bit of money) i cannot really afford long-term therapy, so i am looking into other options, places i can turn to that offer free counselling, or professional help at little cost.

i am glad that the two groups i have been teaching the past three weeks are rather lovely, and i don't think my performance at work has suffered. i only find that work wears me out a lot more than it normally does, but i am still rather grateful i have a reason to get up in the morning.

liz and sarah have sort of dragged me over to itws' 10:10 forum, which means i am trying to write ten poems within ten days. i am on day six, but have not written today's poem yet. i am not entirely sure it was a good idea to start this round, because while it *is* a distraction, writing daily also adds stress. but i think i got a couple of good poems out of the round already.

titles so far:

01 Cinderella's Soliloquy
02 i kissed someone i shouldn't have kissed
03 wednesday’s foolish love song
04 words : mine, yours
05 For what it's worth, I miss you, too

i received kelli russell agodon's wonderful chapbook geography in the mail this week, and am enjoying it immensely. this morning i fell in love with her poem Venice which you can read here, and which begins

Rusty church bells don't sound,
instead we listen to the cathedral
eroding, remains from ailing statues
dropping in the canals
pouring over—

speaking of being in love with words: i have listened to joanna newsom's this side of the blue about a dozen times today. my favourite lines from the terrific lyrics:

While across the sky sheet the impossible birds
In a steady, illiterate movement homewards

here's a great live version i found on youtube.

song of the day: this side of the blue (live) by joanna newsom.

10:10

finished my fourth round of 10 days - 10 poems today. these are the titles:

01. how not to melt in vienna
02. how not to melt in vienna ii
03. otherwise
04. how not to melt in vienna iii
05. this is my poem for you
06. amethystos
07. how not to melt in vienna iv
08. threnoidia
09. katharsis
10. agonia


song of the day: friends of mine by adam green.

like ice in the sun ...

... i melt away. yes. it is still hot. yesterday, temperatures went up to 39.5C (103.1F) in one place in eastern austria, the second highest temperature on record (the highest being 39.7C or 103.5F, 1983 in a village near my hometown). it got muggy, too, which really did not agree with me at all.

* * * * *
yesterday evening i went to see this


at augarten park where they have "kino unter sternen" ("cinema under the stars") every year, showing classics, avantgarde, and new films for nearly seven weeks each year, against the backdrop of one of the park's flak (anti-aircraft) towers.


always a wonderful film to watch.
speaking of watching - one of my favourite quotes from casablanca:

Mr. Leuchtag: Liebchen - sweetnessheart, what watch?
Mrs. Leuchtag: Ten watch.
Mr. Leuchtag: Such much?

* * * * *
the new harry potter book was delivered this morning - even though it is saturday, and there is no regular mail on saturdays here. soooo ... i guess i will be spending some time reading this weekend. and no matter what one thinks of the novel / the series, i think it is a good thing to see that people can still go crazy over and be passionate about a book.

* * * * *
i am on day 7 of my 10:10. here's today's:

loose fists
drip ice water
until skin turns, aching,
to braille, until the night itself
shivers

* * * * *
this is not a good day to dye one's hair.
*she says, dripping henna*

song of the day: ice in the sun by status quo.

hot! hot! hot!

we're melting here in vienna - 38C (100.4F) today, and no end to the heatwave in sight. unfortunately i will have to venture outside tomorrow, as i am teaching one english summer conversation class at 9. if anyone is actually in the mood for education in this weather. *s*

i am keeping myself alive by drinking 5 litres per day and thinking of this:



my computer classes finished yesterday, and i have a month off now, yay!

the muse has very successfully tricked me into writing, and before i knew what was happening, i ended up clicking on "new topic" at the 10:10 forum, and i'm on day 3 today, already working on tomorrow's poem, with ideas for a couple more. it still feels like a struggle, like i am a little rusty, but at least i am writing.

i finished jasper fforde's latest thursday next adventure, first among sequels, on the weekend, and am now reading the first ever discworld novel (terry pratchett) - the color of magic, as well as poetry by kristy bowen and steve mueske.


song of the day: meltdown by slobberbone.

an evening out with ...

... the lovely, very fun and in-love-with-vienna john siddique, fellow poet and star in *his* own soap opera (ie life). apparently i saved him from being "bored stupid" in his tiny viennese hotel room on tuesday by joining him for dinner and conversation. amazingly enough (not!), we had lots to talk about - not all words used up in writing, it seems: we've both had a rather tough year, with lots going on, a few major changes, and the craziest things happening. we had a good laugh about life in general, and ourselves in particular, and toasted some rather unusual things. of course we did talk poetry, too: i made a few notes of must-read-books, we talked about john's new book poems from a northern soul, workshops, our poetic heroes and heroines, and john signed my copy of his latest, while i signed my chapbook for him. i'll be at his workshop and reading tomorrow afternoon, and am looking forward to both.


mr siddique has stolen my halo


almost like a pro ;)

i finished another round of 10:10 on wednesday - so effectively, i have done another 30:30, because i did three consecutive rounds. here are the last five titles:

06. another entry in the bedroom book of lies
07. potassium (k) - final
08. bios
09. august:
10. today, i don't like poetry

got a short rejection note from caffeine destiny, and one from tupelo press; i badly need to send out more subs, and am waiting to hear back from quite a few zines.

check out ms ang & co's latest baby: press 1, it looks gooooood!

i still have not uploaded the poetry in the park pictures, but here are a couple taken on tuesday evening:


gum, anyone?


pain in the neck?! *g*

the fact that i have worn a skirt twice this week can only mean one thing: it is summer.

and ... since a girl has got to have secrets - i've got another one! :-p

song of the day: california dreamin' by the mamas & the papas.

poem & picture post

doing another round of 10:10 - so if i finish this one (and i will, if it is the last thing i do *lol*), i will effectively have done a 30:30. ha. titles so far:

01. serial eve
02. report with headache (that was my migraine day ...)
03. onion (still very much work in progress)
04. paradeisos
05. carbon (c) - adamant

here's today's poem:

carbon (c)
         adamant

this is
their first
night : a distant
star blinks its blessing : clouds nudge
one another past the scene : the garden becomes a whisper :
         a split tongue healing with soft sounds : adamas :
rounded & red : like unplucked apples : who conquers whom :

his breath her hair : her hair his spine : he sees daughters in
         eve's eyes : blueprints in the dazzling half-moons of
her fingernails : pupils dilate : hands become aware of all the
secrets that lie in the rising & falling :
but the naming of
things can
wait

i'm really enjoying this form. :)

had a note from trillium that two of my poems made it to the final round - keep your fingers crossed!

received steve mueske's a mnemonic for desire, and the digerati anthology. enjoying them a lot so far.

and here's one of the first pics taken with the new camera (changed the colour in photoshop, of course):



and something good happened today. but hey, a girl has got to have her secrets. ;)

song of the day: i'm so excited by the pointer sisters.

poetry, a graduation, and a new toy

my poem what is the sound of one hand clapping? can now be read at juked. i am in excellent company there, so make sure you have a good look around.

i am finishing my second round of 10 days - 10 poems today. these are the titles:

01. ain't misbehavin'
02. Rubidium (Rb) - The day I fell in love with a rock
03. his mouth says no, his heart says
04. harold (From Mrs M Garbage's Mencyclopaedia Austriaca)
05. ainigma
06. ekleipsis
07. summetros
08. hypnos
09. nitrogen (n) - dissolution
10. Fluorine (F) - The day I fell in love with an urban legend
(still working on this one, i must confess)

here's one of them - thanks to the ever-busy ms ang for inspiration. i nicked her form. :)

ainigma

speak
in riddles :
sing votives : nail
the sharp snap of vinyl : ainissesthai
you whisper : moon swim across a skylight : moon become
        our skylight : spark to straw to flame : like a tongue
cut off in a fishmouth : the silence of arousal : folds that cease

to murmur : a widowed heart turns purple in secret in heat
        indicting a wax leak : find me cherry red : find me
relentless : adam adam : trade me in for a fable : a leap out
of the fish bowl : fingers fold desire
like a paper swan &
it floats : oh
it floats


i was out of town for a couple of days - caught a very early train to klagenfurt on friday, the town where my brother martin recently finished his master's degree in history, and where he is now studying for his ph.d. they held the graduation ceremony at 12 on friday. my other brother markus and his girlfriend came, and of course my parents, and lots of martin's friends. the ceremony itself was nice, martin read out the vows. his friends and some of the professors also came along for a drink afterwards, and even to the meal at lovely maria loreto on the shore of wörthersee (carinthia's biggest lake). martin's friends are really lovely - and they must like him a lot, and obviously think highly of him. so yes, i was a proud older sister! it was fun, and it was a shame that i could not go out with the lot at night, but it would have been too complicated to get back to my hometown from there.

here are a few pics, there are many more - of family, friends, and the scenery - on my website.


brother & sister


family: markus, martin, me, mom, dad


playboy bunny?!


almost like the sea


maria loreto


and my dad proved to be very, very generous: he gave me one of his digital cameras, because he is not using it. and i am not talking about one of those little pocket things. i am talking about this - the fuji finepix s9500:


we were talking photography (my dad's *really* good), and he mentioned it, and i said i wished i could afford one of those, and well - basically he said "you can have it". wow. i am soooooo looking forward to playing with it! i think i'll be out and about a lot when i have time off work in june! watch this space for results.

song of the day: another sunny day by belle & sebastian.

10:10

i finished my round of 10 days - 10 poems today. these are the titles:

01. Vows for a Cancelled Wedding
02. you've been flirting again (courtesy of bjørk)
03. snails, worms, and other losses (courtesy of tupelo press)
04. blue
05. after the rift
06. Silicon (Si) - The day I fell in love with a semiconductor
07. still #3 : ties
08. still #2 : equinox
09. still #1 : collision
10. wordspread (for nicole)

sarah also finished her round of wonderful poetry today - congrats!

i am not sure i will do another round immediately, though i probably should, once i am at it.

song of the day: santa maria da feira by devendra banhart.