unhappy trainer girl (warning: this blog post contains self-pity and ranting)

so what i had feared has become a reality now. on thursday, four days into work this year, i was told that my contract for one of the two projects i am on at 'die berater' (the company i have worked for most of the past seven years) would not be renewed in mid-february. which means that instead of 37 hours there will only be 21 hours of teaching, which in turn means not enough money to live on. what we get paid is ridiculous anyway, but the money i make for teaching 21 hours plus (unpaid) prep work is less than if i worked at a supermarket checkout for about 20 hours. there is a slight chance that they need someone on another project, but i am not counting on that. which, of course, means that i have to look around for a completely new thing. which, in turn, i don't fancy for several reasons: i have always felt comfortable at the company, i have some super colleagues, i know the ins and outs of the job, the market isn't exactly ... um ... huge, the AMS (unemployment services) has to cut down on classes and therefore institutes whose clients are primarily unemployed people have to let trainers go. i had hoped for some stability this year, financially and health-wise, and the plan was to try for a baby and move into a bigger flat. sigh. this new situation doesn't exactly help to get rid of my anxiety and depression either.

what's bugging me most at the moment is the phrases that people throw my way, be it those responsible for the projects or colleagues, friends, acquaintances, but mainly the former. for months now i've been told that i do a great job, that i should not worry about not having enough work this year, that i am such an asset. okay, i am not the only one they let go (3 out of 8 were told goodbye), but still. being told that i am no longer needed sandwiched between statements such as "we really love your work" and "i really do not want to let you go" and "we are so, so sorry" and praise for my contribution to the team, well, it doesn't really make me feel better. the obvious question that comes to mind is: "then why ARE you doing it?"

then, again sandwiched between the above phrases, it's "you know, [insert name/s] has a family" and "[insert name] is much older and won't find another job so easily" and so on. so does that mean that if i happened to be as good or not as good a teacher but had a young child, i would still be on the team? if i happened to be 59 instead of 39, i wouldn't have to leave that team?

apparently they also talked to one colleague about working only part-time, asking her if she wanted that. well, guess what, she doesn't. neither, by the way, do i.

and then i keep being told that with my qualifications and experience and being the reliable, punctual, fun, lovely, fabulous, super-motivated trainer that i am, i won't have any problems finding a new job. yeah right, since all these things obviously counted for so bloody much at this place. if all that doesn't help me keep a job, how is it going to land me one out there, where all i can do is claim that i am [insert strength/qualification] but have not even proven it to anybody? that is just twisted, really, and it actually offends me.

and then the nasty suspicion does creep in that the two weeks sick leave in november and telling my project coordinator about my burnout were a mistake, that they influenced their decision.

so, once again, pretty much everything is up in the air. i'll have to ask around and network and apply for jobs (not easy to fit into a 50+ hours working week plus commuting plus the photography classes). another thing that doesn't help is that the last time i briefly worked for a different company from die berater, disaster struck: the company, venetia, went bankrupt and i will never see those approx. 3500 euros they still owe me. there's been too much change and instability in my life over the past 4 years, and i am finding it very, very hard to be positive about this whole situation.

having gotten this off my chest and having been allowed to feel sorry for myself, i want to share the video of j. k. rowling's commencement speech at harvard with you. i've loved this since i first heard it a couple of years ago, and one of my poet friends posted it on facebook today, quite appropriate at the moment, what with me thinking about failure a lot lately.

J.K. Rowling Speaks at Harvard Commencement from Harvard Magazine on Vimeo.

today's song of the day is by the delightful sia and includes these lines:

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peers
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, it is fear, it is fear

indeed.

and in order to end on a lighter note than this, here's a little story connected to one of my photos from istanbul:



i love the internet for things like this: a myriam from gatineau, canada saw this picture i took in istanbul in september 2010 on my flickr photo stream and contacted me to tell me she had pictures of the very same cat and its siblings. we eventually figured out that we met the three cats within a few days of each other and exchanged pictures of them. :)


song of the day: fear by sia.

breathing life into my blog

i thought i'd try and breathe a little life into my blog once more ... i am planning to post songs, photos, and poetry if and when it happens. we'll see how that goes.

the last couple of months haven't been too great. i was once again diagnosed with (mild) burnout, i had anxiety/panic and depression issues once again, particularly during the second half of november, when i was off work for a full two weeks, and then again around christmas. the doctor wanted to get me back on the meds, but i refused to. i am just not prepared to go through the side effects again, so i decided to see how life goes without medication, though if a certain line is crossed, i might have no choice but to go back on the sertralin. i had a few panic attacks, once had to take half a xanor, and i am very grateful for having heinz by my side, who's been super-supportive.

i haven't talked about my issues as much as i used to, at the beginning it was because i felt pretty much like a total loser and i withdrew. now that the holidays are over and my friends are back in vienna - and i am feeling better - i am sure it'll be easier to talk about it. funny though - i opened up to two people who i don't know that well (a former student, and an old friend who's reappeared in my life) - and both of them rewarded my openness with opening up themselves: and both of them have burnout and anxiety and depression issues as well! it just shows me, once again, that i am not alone, and that more people than we imagine have to deal with these things. i have been seeing my therapist more regularly, and i hope to come to terms with a couple of problems/issues.

it certainly hasn't helped that things at work have been changing quite a lot, and not particularly for the better. i am not sure what happens when my contract finishes on 18 february - there is a possibility that i will then only get a contract for 21 hours of teaching (instead of 37), which might be healthier, but would also mean that i'd have too little money to live on, which is a bit of a down side. so i have been worrying a lot, and we all know i am very good at that.

for christmas, i got what i wanted, only not quite the way i'd imagined it: i said i'd actually prefer to be left alone and not see people etc. so as soon as we arrived at heinz's family's in styria, i was down with the flu. the fever knocked me out for a few days, but the virus affected my respiratory tracts quite badly, and i am just now getting rid of the cold completely.

so my long christmas break was very different from what i'd planned it to be - i didn't get to see my family, i didn't take all those long walks i'd meant to take, i didn't take many photographs, i didn't read as much as i'd planned, i didn't meet many friends, i still haven't done my photography homework. instead i really looked after myself in terms of getting over that flu bug completely, i stayed in bed and slept more than i actually thought i could sleep. i did a lot of filing and putting things in order, i finally finished editing the istanbul pictures taken on our trip there in september, and heinz and i cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and inside out. i've been tinkering with older unfinished poems and scribbled down a few new ideas, and i even wrote a complete poem. and now that i have become used to sleep-ins and doing what i felt like doing, it's one weekend between me and the stressful world of work!

i've spent a lot of time with leonard cohen lately - his music, his lyrics, his poems, a documentary, his biography. i have so much admiration and respect for his talent, for the man, and though i have been a fan for a long time, i feel that my admiration has never been quite what it is now. whatever music comes and goes, i am sure leonard is here to stay in my life.

but of course, i have discovered singers and bands over the past year that were either new or not very well-known to me. there's the highly talented lisa lindal, the gorgeous and funny sia, brilliant singer sissel, the incredibly swinging ditty bops, norman palm, jill barber, melody gardot, wendy bucklew, the fabulous eilen jewell, the trishas, amelia curran, the adorable kate rusby, chris garneau, emily rodgers, the fleet foxes, the handsome family, and very recently swedish sister act first aid kit. lots of ladies on this list!

i've spent some time (re)reading poetry collections by arlene ang, kelli russell agodon, jayne pupek (who passed away much too soon last august), ros barber, john siddique, carolyn guinzio, valerie fox. 2010 was more successful in terms of poetry than 2009 and 2008, though that was not exactly such a challenge. i managed to write some poems, and i sent out a handful of submissions, all of which resulted in publications. that was encouraging - especially because several of the published poems were brand-new. looks as if i still have it in me! i also did a reading with sylvia petter, which she'd invited me to. i worked hard to prepare for the reading, and it paid off. i loved every minute of it, and though the audience was small, the people were incredibly disciplined and very appreciative. i definitely want to do another reading this year, we shall see what opportunities come up.

i finally went and enrolled for photography classes last september. it's a ten-month course, and it is very interesting, demanding, time-consuming, and fun. i have learned a lot, i've been experimenting, and i look forward to learning more.











and here's my song not only of today, but the last few days - such sadness, such beautiful lyrics, such a wonderful video, and the voices of stuart staples and the beautiful lhasa, who died so young early last year:



song of the day: that leaving feeling by stuart staples & lhasa de sela.

setback

so it has happened. the thing i'd been dreading since i went off the SSRIs. i had a panic attack.

i felt better each day, but yesterday i just wasn't myself at all: felt like crying half the day, and i managed to fight off attacks several times throughout the afternoon, but i was so touchy and moody and tense by the time heinz came home that some silly misunderstanding just sent me over the edge. and that triggered the first panic attack in quite a while. i just couldn't breathe, and the fact that i was crying hysterically didn't exactly help. my hands and arms went numb, and breathing into a paper bag didn't help for ages. so i decided to take a xanax. which, of course, put me to sleep in no time. the sound of the rain outside helped me relax, too. heinz, as usual, was a star.

this episode really scared me. i guess part of me had been anticipating a panic attack, and perhaps that was what actually brought it on. yesterday afternoon i kept wondering whether i could "do it". stay off the SSRIs, that is. whether i'd be "strong enough" - to cope with anything. once the attack began, it was all "see? i knew it! i knew i couldn't do it ... i will never get through this ... it'll always be like this!" and of course that scared me even more, so it spiralled out of control. i just felt like a total loser. when i sit down and calmly think about it all, i know this isn't true, but yesterday evening it was.

my only hope is that this was the one dreaded panic attack and that i just had to get it over with, and that's the end of it.

thanks to my lovely friends who have been concerned about me since i went off the SSRIs - you rock.


song of the day: mama leone by laibach.

withdrawal

i went off my SSRIs (sertralin) on tuesday. so this is day five off the pills - for the first time since late october 2007. i am still taking 25mg of trittico (for sleeping / as a mild anti-depressant), but would like to get off those in a few months' time as well.

i'd reduced the dosage of sertralin twice - from 75mg to 50 and then 25, and both times my stomach was a little upset, and i was a little moody for a couple of days, but that was that. once i'd decided that now was the right time to quit (doctor had given okay months ago, said when i felt ready, i should just go ahead), i did. lately i had nearly forgotten to take the pills on some days, and i didn't really expect this to be a big deal. but it's not as easy as i thought it would be. now that i've decided to quit, all i seem to be thinking about is my little white helpers. not a big surprise, though, is it, when i've just not been myself these past five days?

at first i did not even make the connection - i thought i was so exhausted because of the pollen bothering me, or that i'd caught a cold. i didn't think that the effect would be that immediate. but after two days i did some research, asked around a little, and well ... they do have a name for this: SSRI discontinuation syndrome. doesn't that just sound marvellous? long list of symptoms, some of them sounding very familiar: exhaustion - check. occasional headaches - check. stomach problems - check. occasional dizziness - check. occasional sweating - check. temperature - check. and also what they describe as "brain shivers" - check. i have these minor black-outs, it's like arriving at the end of a very short period - of a second or a few seconds or even a split second - and not quite knowing how i got there. i find that sometimes my feet or hands or my brain won't do what i want them to do, at least not immediately - very disconcerting, that. i find it hard to concentrate. i don't sleep well. during the day i sometimes have the feeling i might just fall asleep standing up. i dream a lot, even more than i usually do. i am moody, feel on the verge of tears much of the time. and all this because my brain is trying to find some sort of balance again. i've tried to sleep as much as i can, i try to relax and let myself be distracted without doing too much, and i have my lovely man who supports me and puts up with my moods. i'll see how the weekend goes, and if things don't change, i'll consult my doctor. i just don't want to go back on the pills anymore. i can do what i want to do without them. enough, i say.

on friday, one student felt a panic attack coming on, and when i said "oh i know about those" in the process of helping her, people were surprised, i think. i've often had that reaction: "depressed? panic disorder? you?" but one thing i have learned is that you really cannot tell who has experienced these nasty things. the most outgoing, fun, confident people might tell you that they are being treated for these things, or have been through them in the past. there's just no telling. turned out that some people in my class - and there were only 9 of them on friday - know from their own experience or second-hand (daughters, friends, colleagues, ...). so for a while i abandoned what we'd been doing, answered questions, listened to others' accounts, and it was the right thing to do. i've always been open about this, and i think it does help to show people that they are not the only ones, and to raise awareness. one student wanted to know what to do if anybody around him had a panic attack - he actually seemed pretty scared that he might not know how to react, and he obviously had not realised how common such things are. so, here i am, blogging about this once again. who knows, it might help somebody out there, as it has done in the past.

apart from going off my SSRIs, the birch pollen have been extremely annoying, and i am very much looking forward to the day when i can breathe normally again. and go for a walk outside in the lovely spring weather.

i've been offered more work for five weeks in may and june, which is very good news. this means that i've allowed myself to go away for a few days in may, most likely croatia, just like last year.


song of the day: across the universe (live) by sean lennon, rufus wainwright & moby.

smitten

remember the singer/songwriter i mentioned last time i blogged? lisa lindal. well - i was fortunate enough to see/hear her live on thursday. after a very, very weird estonian movie - the temptation of st tony - that opened the nordic film festival at urania, there was a reception sponsored by the estonian embassy, and the delightful miss lindal flew in from sweden especially for the occasion. both heinz and i had enjoyed some of her songs on the internet, and lisa's performance certainly did not disappoint.

i'd dropped her a note on facebook, and she'd written back and added me as a friend, and i bumped into her a few minutes after the movie, and i said hello. i was surprised at how small she is! petite. but so full of energy - she seemed taller once she was playing the piano and singing.

she opened with moon river, went on to sing a few other classics and cover versions (somewhere over the rainbow - very, very beautiful! - as well as a tom waits song and the terrific cover version of crazy) as well as her own songs (among them my current favourites light in the tunnel and boyfriends make you lazy). unfortunately, as it was a reception in one large room, there was a lot of talking, and i wished people would pay more attention. many of those standing or sitting near the front, however, were drawn in more and more as the performance went on.

the gig confirmed that the girl really can sing. and she can write lovely songs. some of her lyrics are wonderfully quirky. i'd love to talk to her about her influences and the creative process some day. maybe, maybe.

heinz and i had a chance to talk to her after the performance, which was nice. we contemplated going to bratislava for her gig yesterday evening, but it would have been rather stressful for heinz, and we might not have made it on time, so we didn't go after all. lisa seems to be stuck in vienna now, what with the volcano coughing up ash in faraway iceland, so who knows, she might give some spontaneous concerts. ;)

if you haven't done so yet, do check her out. she is well worth it. her album's due out in autumn.


apart from this my latest obsession: i am enjoying time with my current english students, they are fun, motivated, interested. we had almost a week of rain, which pissed most people off, but meant pollen relief for people like me. iceland's been sending volcanic greetings to much of europe, thanks. i feel like writing much of the time, but can't seem to be able to string three lines together - aargh. i received the very beautiful and enjoyable press 1 anthology The Red Room - one of my poems, equinox, is in very good company there. thanks to arlene ang, valerie fox and jordan schilling for their great work at press 1!


song of the day: the light in the tunnel by lisa lindal.

music and more music

heinz and i went to see the delightful holly cole at konzerthaus in march. i'd never seen her live, but had heard people raving about her performances. it was an evening of almost exclusively tom waits songs - and if i can't have tom waits performing tom waits, then i'll very happily listen to holly performing his work. she is good on recordings, but she is simply amazing live. she just makes each song totally unique, and her band's a perfect match for her. the highlight was perhaps a children's song that her father used to sing to his kids: holly and the percussionist sat down on the floor, using heels, hands, chairs as instruments. all the more charming and touching because her father was in the audience. she's also charming, funny, and chatty, which i love. great night out in a beautiful concert hall - and for half the money they charge for most pop concerts these days.

very recently i discovered swedish singer lisa lindal. i came across her by coincidence, read that she would be performing live on the opening night of the scandinavian film festival here in vienna on 15 april and had to check her out online. absolutely worth it. visit youtube for videos of her performing a terrific cover version of gnarls barkley's "crazy" (accompanied by piano and violin!) and a few of her songs, stop by her myspace page or her website, where you can listen to several of her songs. (and yes, there are similarities between her and tori amos, but they're certainly not identical twins.) she rocks. and you heard it from me. ;)


song of the day: boyfriends make you lazy by lisa lindal.

lucille clifton (1936-2010)

poet lucille clifton died yesterday. here's one of my favourite poems by her:

sorrows

who would believe them winged
who would believe they could be

beautiful         who would believe
they could fall so in love with mortals

that they would attach themselves
as scars attach and ride the skin


sometimes we hear them in our dreams
rattling their skulls         clicking their bony fingers

envying our crackling hair
our spice filled flesh


they have heard me beseeching
as I whispered into my own

cupped hands       enough not me again
enough       but who can distinguish

one human voice   
amid such choruses of   desire


-- lucille clifton


song of the day: man of the hour by pearl jam.