naughty bacteria, the iron lady & a poetry acceptance - england day 7

so, a trip to the sandown health centre this morning for my 09:40 appointment. the verdict: chest infection. nasty little buggers in my chest had to spoil my well-deserved, much-needed holiday! for the second time this year i am on antibiotics. the last time i took antibiotics before 2013 was in the early 90s or even in the late 80s! crazy. apart from antibiotics - rest. i asked about flying out on thursday: not recommended. well.

pharmacy, breakfast, www to do something about my flight. eventually found a rather cheap flight back, cheaper than changing my ticket at any rate! so i will be here till sunday. i hope by the end of the week i will be fit enough to venture out for some hours or i'll get a different kind of fever - cabin fever!

i rested, then went for a 15 minute stroll before getting something to eat. the short walk and a trip to the shop left me more tired than my 14 km walk on saturday! but then, i still have a temperature.


broken sun


the good news of the day is that after a couple of rejection notes, i got a "yes" from red fez magazine, accepting my poem inspired by the element magnesium. i am glad it has found a home - and red fezes look stunning on poems. ;)

of course, the big thing everybody is talking about here is the death of the iron lady, margaret thatcher, who passed yesterday. there are reports of street parties, of people rejoicing in her death. i understand where some of them might be coming from (though i believe many of them are too young to actually remember, or were not even born back then), but i still think it is wrong. (i'd actually like to ask them a simple question: let's say your mother is a controversial public figure. or let's just say the neighbours didn't get on with her. let's say she dies after a long struggle with cancer or a demented old woman. how would you feel if the people in your street had impromptu parties, singing songs about the wicked witch being dead?)

the margaret thatcher who died yesterday was not the margaret thatcher of the 1980s, she was an old and very sick woman. and yes, thatcher steered the country into an entirely wrong direction, from my point of view - and obviously from the POV of many, many british people - but she did not do so single-handedly, and those who have come after her ... well ... they haven't exactly helped, have they, to put things right. thatcher might have started it, she might have messed up a lot of things ... scratch that, she DID mess up a lot of things for a lot of people, but what about her successors? will partying in reaction to the news of an old woman's death change anything, anything at all? 'fraid not. what it would take is for people to get organised instead. have they got that in them?

still, i had to chuckle at the typo on some media website: "margaret thatcher died after a strike". if it was a typo, that is ... it might also have been cleverly sneaked into the article ... ;) and - i don't believe in an afterlife, but ... if there happens to be one, perhaps margaret t. can get stuck in a neverending miners' strike. *g*

and okay, i can't resist choosing the following as my ...


song of the day: stand down margaret by billy bragg.

needles, cliffs, the sea, tennyson & half a dead fox - england day 4

what did i wake up to? a blue sky! so i decided not to go to london after all, because i didn't want to risk missing out on a hike on what might possibly be the only sunny day during this holiday. instead, i took the bus to revisit a couple of places i'd been to in the 90s, starting at alum bay.

alum bay is famous for its multi-coloured sands and the fact that, due to geological folding, you can find vertical layers of rock instead of horizontal layers - younger rocks to the west and older rocks to the east. quite stunningly beautiful. until recently i did not know that guglielmo marconi moved here at the end of the 19th century and experimented with radio, communicating with ships offshore.

i did not go down to the beach, however, but instead walked to the needles battery and the needles viewpoint. the needles are three stacks of chalk rising out of the sea just off the shore at the isle's westernmost point. they don't actually look like needles at all, but that is easily explained: there was actually one shaped like a needle, called lot's wife, but it collapsed ages ago. the name, however, stuck. the needles lighthouse is iconic - just walk into any souvenir shop on the island, and it will greet you a hundred times.

queen victoria may have been the most famous resident on the island, but another VIP, so to speak, spent many, many years here: alfred lord tennyson, poet laureate. he owned a house on the island and was a permanent resident for one and a half decades, before he "fled" from the starstruck tourists who kept pestering him, returning to the island during the quiet winters. it was up the hill named after him (tennyson down) that i walked to the memorial erected in his memory, up on a clifftop 147m above the sea, silently reciting lines from his "lady of shalott". i inwardly groaned when some folks up by the memorial were wondering what the "poet, wasn't he" had written and came up with "i wandered lonely as a cloud" ... call me a snob, but - ouch. poor wordsworth, poor tennyson.

it was so beautiful up there, and though it was quite windy at the top, the more than welcome sun made such a difference! i walked on towards freshwater bay, where i stopped for a hot drink, then walked on along the coastal path towards brook. ah, the sea! if there is one thing i would change about my home country it is the fact that it's landlocked. i have always loved the sea. it has never scared me, always drawn me to it. there's something about it that is healing, comforting. i also love the fact that its mood can change like a person's ... from calm and inviting to turmoil, fury and bleakness. it's as if it reflected a person's emotions, inner life.

i walked past tucked away little bays, among gorse bushes, encountered the first two bumblebeesof the season, saw a lot of smiling faces, took plenty of pictures, enjoyed the views all around, and - almost stumbled over half a dead fox. the first thought was "oh, brilliant!" what does that say about me? ha. it looked quite bizarre - only the front half of the animal was left fairly intact ... the rest ... well ... don't ask. i'll post a picture later.

not far from the fox, a bloody wing. above me, seagulls and crows circling and screeching, riding the currents. life and death.

i got to brook chine much sooner than i'd expected, so i went down and sat on the beach for a bit, soaking up some good sea, sun & sand vibes. at the bus stop i stretched out on the bench, face tilted towards the sun, listening to the crows making a racket in the adjacent field, and i could have fallen asleep there, it was so peaceful!

back in sandown, i once again found that nothing beats a long, hot shower after a 14 or 15 km hike. bliss! i felt like dining out, so i put on some decent clothes for a change, no muddy boots or hiking gear. in celebration of me i even put on lipstick! ;) i went to the indian restaurant for some kadai paneer and tandoori roti, and i actually allowed myself the first half pint of cider in ages.

i barely drink alcohol anymore - i went teetotal in 2007, because i did not want to mix my psychotropic drugs with alcohol. i didn't actually mind all that much. when i went off the pills, i found that wine didn't do me good anymore - unfortunately, because i had always enjoyed a glass of shiraz. wines tend to make me anxious and slightly paranoid now. funnily enough, i am alright with some bailey's or even a small caipirinha now and again. anyway, so i thought i'd see how cider agrees with me these days. i spent an hour eating and reading "being alive", being particularly struck by simon armitage's "Not the Furniture Game".

back in my room, i had another video chat with heinz. i had felt hot and my eyes had hurt after my hike, but i'd put it down to the sun, wind and exercise. however, by about 10:30 i was convinced something was wrong. well, 38°C body temperature, that's what was wrong with me. aaaaarghhhh! so, off to bed. i went from burning up to teeth chattering cold until i eventually fell asleep.

here are some photos!


view of the needles



gorse - south england's light



alum bay



freshwater bay



tennyson memorial



half a dead fox



reflective bird


song of the day: the lady of shalott by loreena mckennitt, based on the poem by alfred lord tennyson.

pills, pains, poetry & pictures

i've been on the full dose of 20 mg citalopram and 150 mg trittico retard for two days now. i haven't had any more of those early mini migraine attacks, but there is still plenty of nausea and dizziness, especially after getting up, no matter what time it is. i feel leaden, very tired and subdued in the mornings, as if i were wading through molasses or some such. i sleep well, but after taking my trittico ret. i still need an hour or so before i fall asleep. today i set my alarm for 07:15, got up about 25 minutes later, the earliest (by between one hour and six hours) in quite a while, and now, at 09:20 i still have problems keeping my eyes open, and i feel as if i'd just crawled out of bed after a particularly late night. my eyes, now, they still feel weird. i am no longer constantly conscious of them, but still frequently. and there are times, like this morning, when it's as if i were looking through mist or a dirty window (and no, it's not my glasses!). very unpleasant, that. i am trying not to think about it too much, but if this doesn't change (the tiredness, the problems with my eyes), how will i ever manage to get up at 06:20 and be fit for work at 08:00? they might as well employ a zombie!

but now, of course, i am on holiday! i am leaving for the isle of wight tomorrow - the plane leaves at 06:20. don't ask me how i will go about staying awake long enough to get up, let alone get ready! the neighbours might object to blaring music at 04:15 a.m. ... also, i may have been a tad optimistic about england in april. but from my experience it had always been much nicer there than here around easter. this year, however, most of europe seems to still be firmly in the grip of winter. more snow is on its way to vienna, looks like i will be leaving home in subzero C temperatures! at least i take it for granted that the south of england will be warmer than THAT! i just hope it will be dry. and if not, well, perhaps i should just take another plane to somewhere warm once i arrive at gatwick ....

the good news of the day are mostly poetry-related:

stone highway review has recently accepted a previously published poem (a rare occurence), one that has always been very special to me, "Open Letter to a Poet". it's very personal, and i remember reading it at vienna lit festival in 2008. it was perfect, i think you really would have heard a pin drop, the audience was so attentive - i really "had" them.

yesterday susan yount of arsenic lobster poetry journal told me i was top of her list of nominations for best new poets 2013, asking me if i qualified - and i do. so, i am now a best new poets 2013 nominee! i am very grateful to susan for her support, and whatever comes of this, i am honoured to have been nominated!

i've arranged to meet a dear old friend - my girl in istanbul, özge - in passau later this month, and i'm looking forward to that.

i've also finally edited the photos taken in venice in november 2011, my 40th birthday mini-break! editing pictures seems to be a perfect task for me at the moment, keeps me focused, and my hands busy. here are a couple of pictures, you can find more over on flickr.


ghost gondola



ghostly sun



prostrate



winter cabins



reverence (s. diaghilev's grave)



speedboat



blue



feline-human contact



a different kind of tricolore



h&m in burano



candy colours & ubiquitous tower



tabletop bird


song of the day: wasteland by woodkid.

published poems are more fun than depression

day 1 on 20 mg of citalopram. day 2 on 125 mg of trittico ret. not enjoying it. i sleep okay, but i am leaden and extremely tired and slow when i get up. nausea comes and goes, last night i thought i was going to throw up. the headaches, at least, seem to have stopped. dizziness comes and goes, too. the funny stuff with my eyes, however, is really starting to bother me. it's as if i were constantly aware of my eyes, especially - for some reason - the left one. my neurologist is away this week though, so i cannot ask him about that.

i saw my therapist today, described my symptoms ... and, of course, she says, of course you feel like that. what you describe so beautifully, is your depression. duh. seems the panic has already been replaced by that dullness. we discussed strategies that will help me deal with it. i find it helps me to talk to myself, saying out loud what i am doing (e.g. "now i'm going to fold this ... and put it in the closet ...). editing the 16 months old venice photos works well, too - i can focus on that, when concentrating on some other things is impossible. dancing does me good. i've put together a playlist of songs that always make me want to get up and dance. and i ought to remind myself to do challenging things only when they are things i enjoy doing, and it's okay to neglect the rest.

occasionally i feel bad, or guilty, because other people's lives are so much harder than mine - refugees, people with terminal illnesses, homeless people, the list goes on. but i guess it doesn't actually make me a worse person to have this affliction for the time being and to take care of myself.

for the poetically inclined: three of my poems have just been published in the always fabulous IthacaLit magazine. grab your drink of choice and spend some time with good poetry.


song of the day: z'lied vor freiheitsstatue by sophie hunger.

bye bye 2012!

so. perhaps this means i will post somewhat more regularly in 2013? i had been hoping and meaning to do so this year, but ... not until after my september holidays did i actually get around to posting anything!

among other things, 2012 brought some excellent concerts, a few of them firsts: the walkabouts - one of my favourite bands of all times - played at a small venue, and i loved every moment of it. i got them to sign my bag afterwards, which they found amusing and puzzling, but they were actually not the first to do so, i have an old bag signed by feist. i got to see the amazing loreena mckennitt in spring, at a venue that actually has great acoustics, which is not the case with all concert venues in vienna. regina spektor, a second time, this time at konzerthaus - good show, but it was a bad day for me, so even this favourite of mine was secondary to other stuff, bad timing. then there was another springsteen "party" in the summer, a marathon concert, one of the longest the boss has ever played. good workout not only for the band, but also for me! to say i was thrilled when i found out richard hawley would finally, finally honour vienna with a visit, might be an understatement of extraordinary proportions. a small venue, good sound, and a great performance by this outstanding songwriter and musician. one of the highlights of the year. sophie hunger, the swiss singer songwriter, at konzerthaus was fabulous. i was sure i'd enjoy the concert, but i loved the whole show. that girl can sing! finally, in december, my first tiger lillies concert, a great performance, at the perfect venue for it. great musicians, these guys.

poetry-wise: a poetry-filled spring, especially april and may, and the rest of the year, well ... not too much. but i got into some good magazines, among them arsenic lobster, thrush, robot melon, yew, escape into life. i got two best of the net nominations - from arsenic lobster and escape into life - and my first ever pushcart nomination from arsenic lobster (see previous post). so, good news! i am still working on (or: should be working on) my full-length collection, elemental, and i have almost got a chapbook together, too.

i spent most of my summer afternoons outdoors, also many weekends, cycling, swimming, relaxing, reading, walking. i love that the prater and donauinsel are so close to our flat. our little garden did well, and we harvested our first ever water melon. a very sweet ca. 3 kg!

more sports was only part of the changes i made to my life - the bigger part is healthier eating. i am basically (and sometimes a bit loosely) following the weight watchers guidelines, using mainly recipes from their wonderful recipe books. we have tried out so many new recipes and come across incredibly delicious food that doesn't take long to prepare. i've lost about 16 kilos and enjoy what i eat way more now. steps in the right direction.

i took way more photos in the second half of the year than in the first, for a while i wasn't even using my canon much, only took some snapshots with the pocket camera. i missed being creative in that way, though, after a while. so back on track here, too, even if not as much as i should be. but ... there are only so many hours in a day, ad editing does take ages if done properly!

i read a lot, and after a year of using it, i must say, the kindle was one of the best things i have ever bought for myself. one of THE discoveries, for me, was gail carriger - i devoured her miss tarabotti books! i could have read a lot more poetry, though ... this ought to change in 2013.

of course i spent some time in cinemas during the viennale film festival, and got to see some very good films. one of the highlights was "electrick children", another "margaret". and i actually made it to the cinema twice since, "argo" and "anna karenina".

we spent some time in carinthia and had a fantastic holiday in croatia and montenegro, with a trip to albania. but all those details can be read in previous and very detailled posts. the weekend trip to krumlov two weeks ago was also beautiful, but again ... see previous post. in the summer we had a few days off in burgenland, it was hot and quiet and very, very relaxing. i did not write as much as last year when i went alone, but i did more walking, and we saw plenty of shooting stars!

i guess i should say a few words about work, but this is the one topic i really want to avoid at the moment. it was a good year, with many lovely students, and continued great feedback. but ... the project has ended, and apparently a sheet of paper counts more than great work over many, many years, and i will be part of another project as of january, one that does not sound very tempting at all. other things that have happened are pretty much top secret, so all i can say is that i am most definitely not amused. so perhaps the new year will see me working elsewhere. wish me luck.

i didn't write as many letters and mails as i'd intended to, and there are friends i didn't see enough of. i didn't write as much as i'd hoped to, and there is some stuff left undone. but then again ... i was outdoors way more than i'd thought, i lost more weight than i could have imagined. i continue to enjoy cooking. i managed to clear out some closets, cupboards and many folders. i had some of those moments at work when i just know why i put in so much work and when i just knew i was in the right place at the right time. heinz and i started boogie classes. i've had moments when i was really and truly happy. i continue to work on myself. i may not always be happy about my reactions or behaviour, but isn't that just human? and isn't that also a sign of me watching myself and learning and developing? i am still learning to be more forgiving towards myself, but i feel i am on the right track.


all the best to you and yours for the coming year. one hope beyond my own little life is that people wake up and realise that so much of what we are doing is not the best, or in fact, not even particularly smart. we can do better.


song of the day: z'lied vor freiheitsstatue by sophie hunger.

pushcart nomination. a first.

one of the major surprises 2012 brought came right at the end: a pushcart nomination from arsenic lobster magazine, for an old poem of mine, "who's keeping time with the timekeeper's daughter when the timekeeper's out keeping time?", written long ago for a challenge at blueline poetry forum (write a poem answering an unanswerable question).

funny that this, my first pushcart nomination, is for a poem from that challenge when my first ever best of the net nomination some years back was also for a poem resulting from said challenge, "what's the sound of one hand clapping?" - it was actually selected, you can find it here.

to say i was thrilled at the news would be an understatement. it was so unexpected, and i want to thank susan yount and the arsenic lobster team once again for their support. i know i don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of actually winning, but i am honoured nonetheless. this will always be special.

breathing life into my blog

i thought i'd try and breathe a little life into my blog once more ... i am planning to post songs, photos, and poetry if and when it happens. we'll see how that goes.

the last couple of months haven't been too great. i was once again diagnosed with (mild) burnout, i had anxiety/panic and depression issues once again, particularly during the second half of november, when i was off work for a full two weeks, and then again around christmas. the doctor wanted to get me back on the meds, but i refused to. i am just not prepared to go through the side effects again, so i decided to see how life goes without medication, though if a certain line is crossed, i might have no choice but to go back on the sertralin. i had a few panic attacks, once had to take half a xanor, and i am very grateful for having heinz by my side, who's been super-supportive.

i haven't talked about my issues as much as i used to, at the beginning it was because i felt pretty much like a total loser and i withdrew. now that the holidays are over and my friends are back in vienna - and i am feeling better - i am sure it'll be easier to talk about it. funny though - i opened up to two people who i don't know that well (a former student, and an old friend who's reappeared in my life) - and both of them rewarded my openness with opening up themselves: and both of them have burnout and anxiety and depression issues as well! it just shows me, once again, that i am not alone, and that more people than we imagine have to deal with these things. i have been seeing my therapist more regularly, and i hope to come to terms with a couple of problems/issues.

it certainly hasn't helped that things at work have been changing quite a lot, and not particularly for the better. i am not sure what happens when my contract finishes on 18 february - there is a possibility that i will then only get a contract for 21 hours of teaching (instead of 37), which might be healthier, but would also mean that i'd have too little money to live on, which is a bit of a down side. so i have been worrying a lot, and we all know i am very good at that.

for christmas, i got what i wanted, only not quite the way i'd imagined it: i said i'd actually prefer to be left alone and not see people etc. so as soon as we arrived at heinz's family's in styria, i was down with the flu. the fever knocked me out for a few days, but the virus affected my respiratory tracts quite badly, and i am just now getting rid of the cold completely.

so my long christmas break was very different from what i'd planned it to be - i didn't get to see my family, i didn't take all those long walks i'd meant to take, i didn't take many photographs, i didn't read as much as i'd planned, i didn't meet many friends, i still haven't done my photography homework. instead i really looked after myself in terms of getting over that flu bug completely, i stayed in bed and slept more than i actually thought i could sleep. i did a lot of filing and putting things in order, i finally finished editing the istanbul pictures taken on our trip there in september, and heinz and i cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and inside out. i've been tinkering with older unfinished poems and scribbled down a few new ideas, and i even wrote a complete poem. and now that i have become used to sleep-ins and doing what i felt like doing, it's one weekend between me and the stressful world of work!

i've spent a lot of time with leonard cohen lately - his music, his lyrics, his poems, a documentary, his biography. i have so much admiration and respect for his talent, for the man, and though i have been a fan for a long time, i feel that my admiration has never been quite what it is now. whatever music comes and goes, i am sure leonard is here to stay in my life.

but of course, i have discovered singers and bands over the past year that were either new or not very well-known to me. there's the highly talented lisa lindal, the gorgeous and funny sia, brilliant singer sissel, the incredibly swinging ditty bops, norman palm, jill barber, melody gardot, wendy bucklew, the fabulous eilen jewell, the trishas, amelia curran, the adorable kate rusby, chris garneau, emily rodgers, the fleet foxes, the handsome family, and very recently swedish sister act first aid kit. lots of ladies on this list!

i've spent some time (re)reading poetry collections by arlene ang, kelli russell agodon, jayne pupek (who passed away much too soon last august), ros barber, john siddique, carolyn guinzio, valerie fox. 2010 was more successful in terms of poetry than 2009 and 2008, though that was not exactly such a challenge. i managed to write some poems, and i sent out a handful of submissions, all of which resulted in publications. that was encouraging - especially because several of the published poems were brand-new. looks as if i still have it in me! i also did a reading with sylvia petter, which she'd invited me to. i worked hard to prepare for the reading, and it paid off. i loved every minute of it, and though the audience was small, the people were incredibly disciplined and very appreciative. i definitely want to do another reading this year, we shall see what opportunities come up.

i finally went and enrolled for photography classes last september. it's a ten-month course, and it is very interesting, demanding, time-consuming, and fun. i have learned a lot, i've been experimenting, and i look forward to learning more.











and here's my song not only of today, but the last few days - such sadness, such beautiful lyrics, such a wonderful video, and the voices of stuart staples and the beautiful lhasa, who died so young early last year:



song of the day: that leaving feeling by stuart staples & lhasa de sela.

colds, headaches, crime, and poetry

my students apparently brought enough germs to the classroom to make me sick, too, so i had to stay home from work for a couple of days. blah.

at least i had time to read a novel that managed to give me nightmares two nights in a row - "menschenteufel" (which translates as "human devil") by marcus rafelsberger. i am not normally a fan of crime novels, but i was curious, as rafelsberger is an old schoolmate's husband. quite well-written, but then i don't have much to compare it to. but it certainly held my attention! a bonus was that the book is set in vienna, and therefore i repeatedly came across places i know. i am now ready to begin another jasper fforde novel - yay!

another book i just (re-)read is jayne pupek's poetry collection "forms of intercession". if i had to sum up the book in one word, it would be: brave. it's been a while since i read a book of poems that confronted me with so much beauty and so much unpleasantness - in short: everything human. pupek doesn't stop where others might not dare to go, and that makes her stand out. there are poems that i've returned to four, five, ten times - and i am sure will go back to again. it's as if they grabbed me by the throat when i first read them, and have not quite let go. while the best way to learn about life is still, well, living it, but books like pupek's come a close second.

my muse probably didn't want to catch my cold and has been quite for a few days, but before she took that time-out, we created this (not decided on the [sub]title yet):

069
Thulium (Tm)

       I swear I'm only human, wishing I could disappear
       -- Amelia Curran, "The Mistress"

This is what happens when gods get drunk:
You start a conversation and ice is left to melt

in fancy drinks. Hours later, three hasty kisses
and the cold metal of his ring against your cheek.

By then it's already too late for the promise
you made to yourself: this ends right here.

The first time, you make butterflies dance
on the blanket. You measure time in heartbeats

and the cooling of sweaty limbs. Months later,
it's pale green sheets and the ticking of a clock

that translates as judgement - wrong, sad,
wrong, sad - and stirs the beginnings of loathing,

rushes the slow dying of love. Gravedigger
you call yourself, late at night, when you wake

from dreams that are part of the high price
you pay. Gravedigger. And you are digging deep.

You have 69 random words in your pockets –
for a love letter, for a note of farewell.

The one word that's missing is hope. The gods
who tempted you are fast asleep. Like him

in that other place, where your mind can't go,
which you'd still know by its scent: routine, love,

and lies. Your shadow sleeps between them,
but that doesn't comfort you. When this is over,

there won't be any sympathy, just as there are
no gifts: you are the beggar, you are the thief.


song of the day: breathe (2 am) by anna nalick.

the lady of the poems

it occurred to me today that my poetic life over the past 3-4 years kind of fits the lord of the rings trilogy:

I - the fellowship of ITWS: my poem-a-day times at inside the writer's studio poetry board
II - the two lost years: as good as nothing happening between end of 2007 and end of 2009
III - the return of the muse: looks like "it" is back - whatever "it" is that makes me want to write, that makes me find the words, that channels my ideas. i am beginning to trust this/myself again, which is, well: terrific! :)


other news:

autralian open: justine henin lost her comeback grand slam to serena williams - no fairy tale ending there, but many flashes of brilliance. good to have her back. roger federer did it again ... andy murray just was no match for him.

i was unfaithful to my hairdresser. so far, no regrets.

i'm not surprised that my students seem to have given me some bug - i found out 2 hours ago that i have a temperature. this does not make me particularly happy.

i'm hooked on sarah blasko, it seems (song of the day - brilliant, brilliant cover version of a 1980s cold chisel song). and checking out clare & the reasons.


song of the day: flame trees by sarah blasko.

poet(r)ic(k)s

shortly after i posted a note re: swapping chapbooks on facebook, steve meador (editor of hanging moss journal) set up a group called the chapbook & literary journal exchange. i invited all my poet friends and acquaintances, and hope they are spreading the word. if you are not one of my contacts and happen to read this - do join. i've now exchanged books with ken pobo, rachel dacus, and valerie fox, and i only have one copy of "small confessions and pebbles of regret" left. i am more of a chapbook swapper than buyer - part of the reason is that i don't live in the usa, but mainly i love the idea of those books being some sort of special currency that buys you somebody else's words. i'm wondering why nobody else i know (including me!) had the fantastic idea of setting up such an exchange group. sometimes you gotta love the web. :)

so anyway: top of my reading list: ken pobo's trina and the sky (love the title!), rachel dacus's another circle of delight, valerie fox's the rorschach factory and valerie fox & arlene ang's bundles of letters including a, v and epsilon.

yesterday while putting new sheets on the bed, this line came to me out of nowhere: "nothing bad can happen to a girl with a goldfish voice". i sat down at the computer, wrote down some random words, turned to eclectica magazine for more random words (they have a special challenge in every issue, check it out!), did some research on element 113 - ununtrium - and began to write. the words just flowed. it was just like back in the good old days when i wrote a poem every day. it's such a fabulous feeling, and i know why i've missed it so badly. the new poem is called alice gets lost on her way to wonderland, and the first line i had is the final line of the poem - as happens so often with me. however, i changed "voice" to "mouth".

maybe i should change the sheets more often. :)

music-wise, i am quite smitten with sarah blasko at the moment - a great singer/songwriter from australia. check her out. i have my friend rachael to thank for the recommendation.


song of the day: all i want by sarah blasko.

with my return to teaching, getting to know a new group and - of course - prep work, writing was pushed aside a bit this week. however, i've been working on a poem that i find quite difficult to handle, a poem in which recently uncovered issues in connection with my childhood and my mother are the main theme. the working title is "Portrait of Mother in Eleven Questions". i think i've got almost all i want to say, but am tinkering with the lines and words on and off. we'll see where it takes me / i take it.

nice/good/happy things this week: work. nice feedback. a colleague who'd obviously missed me. not as much chocolate. hooking up with an old school friend i had not seen in 10 years. a walk in sunshine & snow. a good film (winds of sand, women of rock) with a good friend. a farmville extension. a 27 page letter from my dear aussie friend rachael - always a treat. an interesting therapy session. a pineapple - cheap and juicy. a dream in which george clooney flirted with me in german and english. heinz.


song of the day: rock like a baby by elizabeth harper.

reactivation

so it's been nearly ten months since my last blog post: if i made any new year resolutions, one of them would be to blog more regularly this year!

i think one reason why i did not blog as much as i used to is the fact that nothing was happening with my writing: almost nothing new, no submissions sent out, no publication. i've been quite far from poetry (makes a nice title, doesn't it?) these past two years. over the last ten days, however, i have written five poems - that is two more than in 2009! they are all for my "elemental" project, the poems based on the elements of the perdiodic table. it is tough, trying to get back into the habit of writing regularly. today was the first time that i actually thoroughly enjoyed working on a poem again, it was like a flicker of how it used to be. i've also done a lot of research on the elements i still need to deal with - and it seems as if i have done most of the really inspiring, interesting ones. *s*

"there, between / heifer and cup-bearer, beloved of the god: the veiled bride, mistress// of the night. beneath the netting, her freckles seem to shift, like/constellations."

(from: europium (eu) - between io and ganymede, eleven minutes to six)

i don't want to dwell on the past too much, but in a nutshell: it was a good year, well, most of it.

moving was stressful, but it's great to live with heinz! i had expected to miss my old flat, at least occasionally, but i didn't. of course, the place is not big enough in the long run - so flat/house hunting is one of the major projects of 2010.

work: lots of lovely students, challening and highly interesting translation project (encyclopedia of western european languages) - although there seems to be hardly any freelance job without a fight for the money. i am going back to work on monday - finally! it has been too long.

we took a few short(ish) trips: croatia in may, carinthia (around my hometown) in july, south tyrol in september. lots of nature, hiking, swimming, tons of photos.

my social life suffered a little when i had lots of work on my plate and i turned into some kind of recluse for a while. fortunately i managed to break the habit in autumn, with the viennale film festival coming in handy.

what i found hard to deal with was the fact that i had to increase the dose of SSRI again in autumn, following some anxiety/panic incidents. i had a couple of hallucinations, too. i am sure that this was partly due to my confronting some of the demons from my past, and partly due to being worried about work (it was uncertain whether the english teaching project would be continues). i am seeing my therapist regularly, and we have tackled a few tough issues. but i have been feeling much better over the last couple of weeks or so. heinz has been a source of constant support and encouragement. :)

other stuff includes: farmville addiction (decreasing!), scrabble addiction, christmas in carinthia and styria, bob hewis's unexpected death, loved the book "the book thief", miss the writing community, 72nd out of about 1400 in the vienna photo marathon, boy group: otto, pruno & heinrich, facebook addiction, photography, the untimely death of one of my favourite singers - lhasa de sela, aunt resi's 100th birthday, puzzle addiction (reactivated), concerts: leonard cohen (#2!), bruce springsteen (#4), tori amos (#5, i believe), regina spektor.


here are some pictures (moving; croatia with the boy group; hiking in carinthia; h&m with aunt resi (100); leonard cohen & band; succulent; michi & alex with heinrich; michi with livia; ladybird):






















song of the day: haiti by the arcade fire.

since i last blogged ...

... i saw my canadian friend colleen again - 11 years after we'd first met in new zealand ...




... and heinz & i paid a visit to ms horowitz who's growing fast and is no longer toothless.




... winter still has not quite gone ...




... although spring made an appearance in styria in mid-march.




... i said goodbye to my lovely english II class ...




... and i've been translating like crazy.




... i've had a poem published in ether magazine ...




... and fish have come and gone at naschmarkt.




... i've kissed heinz once or twice ...




... and have started to pack, because i am moving in with heinz, hoping to be all done by the end of april!




song of the day: la celestina by lhasa.

old news, new news

if only there were about 35 hours in a day, i might actually get around to blogging more regularly! or maybe my life is simply too exciting ... ;)

on 15 october, the poet arrived in vienna: john siddique, that is, wonderful british writer (if you still haven't done so, check him out. now.) and lovely friend. he stayed at casa gabriel this time, so we had time to catch up and talk about life in general and love in particular.


iron man: the poet when he's at home

on thursday, 16 october, we read at shakespeare & company, a great little bookshop in vienna's first district. we had hoped for a few more people, but i guess the heavy rain that set in about an hour before the reading kept some folks away, and even i alone knew of ten people who'd wanted to come but couldn't make it that night. it was nice to see both friends and new faces. i read for about half an hour - poems from all chapbooks and some that are not available in print (yet), and john was on after me. his new poem "the knife" really got to the people. great writing. feedback was definitely good, and i think we both did a great job. so funny that a mere two years ago i was completely new to this whole reading-in-public business! who'd have thought i'd be enjoying it so much?





being the darling that he is, john agreed to come to class with me on friday morning, even though we could not offer him any money for that. i had prepared my group for his visit and they'd written response poems to his "yes" the previous day. john worked and talked with the students for a couple of hours and both sides obviously had a good time.


poeting in class

after a mexican dinner saturday night and shopping for austrian chocolates (i am not sure there are still any left at the shops), john left around noon on sunday.


having gotten over one cold, i immediately caught another, and then had a fever as well, so i stayed home from work for three days. ugh. it was good to be looked after by someone nice, but on the whole i prefer not to be sick. ;)


on 25 october i participated in vienna's photo marathon for the first time. 12 hours, 24 themes, one photo per theme, all in the correct order too. it's about creativity rather than the perfect photo, and a declaration of love to the beautiful city we live in. shame that it was the only day far and wide that the sun didn't even peep out. here are a few of the themes: 100% vienna, st stephen's cathedral, up and away, taxi!, everything's spinning, viennese hospitality. i was out and about from 09.30 until about 7.30 - lots of fresh air! i was really tired that evening, and sick again the next day. :(


spinning

unfortunately i missed several films i wanted to see at the viennale film festival this year due to the colds and fever, but i did see a billy wilder film and a documentary about bob dylan.

it was heinz's birthday yesterday - he's the other scorpio in this relationship - and will now be three years older than me for exactly two weeks. ;) apart from that, it was also the first anniversary of my divorce. what a state i was in a year ago, and how different everything is now! i am actually very, very pleased at how far i have come.

work is going well, only one week left now with my advanced group - i'll miss them. i've had more job offers but since cloning still has not advanced that far and a girl cannot be in two places at the same time, i had to turn them down, at least for now.

the last few weeks have been lovely - perfect autumn weather, my favourite time of year. early november, and the temperatures still reach 15°C (60F)! it's raining today, but that is alright after days and days of sunshine.










i still have not been to have a haircut - it's been nearly six months! i can actually make pigtailettes (*s*) now for the first time in years!



still no poetry. sigh. i wonder when it's time to give up?

oh and yes, like so many others i am very relieved that obama will be the next president of the united states. however, i hope that people don't forget that he, too, is only human, it seems that some consider him a new messiah. but there will be no miracles. still, it is a very good sign indeed. and re: that palin woman - good riddance. she really gave me the creeps.

song of the day: hotel california by the eagles.