dinosaurs and a lot of rain - england day 11

this morning it was windy but looked okay enough ... things could have gone either way. i walked along the beach after breakfast, the morning walk i've become quite accustomed to. this time, however, i didn't just walk for walking's sake, but to get to dinosaur isle, one of the attractions here in sandown.

geologically speaking, the isle of wight is extremely interesting. lots of fossils have been found around here, including dinosaur skeletons. i had a good look around, learning bits and pieces about life back then and being suitably impressed by many of the fossils on display - bones, teeth, skulls, antlers, footprints, sponges, leaves, palm fronds, snails, sea urchins, ... from tiny to massive.

i had planned to go on a guided fossil hunting walk today, to try my luck at discovering something. i guess you either find something by pure coincidence (i once sat down on a beach in new zealand only to find an ammonite right in front of my feet!) or you've got to know what you're looking for (and put in some work!). i found it very interesting to get some information about the whole research process. incredibly tedious work, but also exciting, i suppose.

when i left dinosaur isle, it was already raining. i walked back, uncertain what to do. would the rain stop? could it be nicer elsewhere? i decided to go and find out. while waiting for my connecting bus in newport, i picked up some earrings and a necklace at an oxfam shop. caught a bus to totland - it was pouring down. definitely didn't feel like walking weather, cold and windy. the pub had just closed, so i decided to catch the next bus out again ... in newport it seemed as if the rain would let up, but - no such luck. so instead of hanging around and eventually making my way to brook chine for the fossil walk, it was back to sandown. rain, rain, more rain. saw some nice shoes while walking along high street, so i did some more unplanned shopping. got me some fish & chips and enjoyed my early dinner while watching a wallace & gromit film.

it is still pouring down now at 09:45 pm. no night walk along the beach then. much cosier inside. i'm hoping for a nice morning, so i can take one last walk before breakfast.


song of the day: raindrops keep falling on my head by b j thomas.

published poems are more fun than depression

day 1 on 20 mg of citalopram. day 2 on 125 mg of trittico ret. not enjoying it. i sleep okay, but i am leaden and extremely tired and slow when i get up. nausea comes and goes, last night i thought i was going to throw up. the headaches, at least, seem to have stopped. dizziness comes and goes, too. the funny stuff with my eyes, however, is really starting to bother me. it's as if i were constantly aware of my eyes, especially - for some reason - the left one. my neurologist is away this week though, so i cannot ask him about that.

i saw my therapist today, described my symptoms ... and, of course, she says, of course you feel like that. what you describe so beautifully, is your depression. duh. seems the panic has already been replaced by that dullness. we discussed strategies that will help me deal with it. i find it helps me to talk to myself, saying out loud what i am doing (e.g. "now i'm going to fold this ... and put it in the closet ...). editing the 16 months old venice photos works well, too - i can focus on that, when concentrating on some other things is impossible. dancing does me good. i've put together a playlist of songs that always make me want to get up and dance. and i ought to remind myself to do challenging things only when they are things i enjoy doing, and it's okay to neglect the rest.

occasionally i feel bad, or guilty, because other people's lives are so much harder than mine - refugees, people with terminal illnesses, homeless people, the list goes on. but i guess it doesn't actually make me a worse person to have this affliction for the time being and to take care of myself.

for the poetically inclined: three of my poems have just been published in the always fabulous IthacaLit magazine. grab your drink of choice and spend some time with good poetry.


song of the day: z'lied vor freiheitsstatue by sophie hunger.