unhappy trainer girl (warning: this blog post contains self-pity and ranting)

so what i had feared has become a reality now. on thursday, four days into work this year, i was told that my contract for one of the two projects i am on at 'die berater' (the company i have worked for most of the past seven years) would not be renewed in mid-february. which means that instead of 37 hours there will only be 21 hours of teaching, which in turn means not enough money to live on. what we get paid is ridiculous anyway, but the money i make for teaching 21 hours plus (unpaid) prep work is less than if i worked at a supermarket checkout for about 20 hours. there is a slight chance that they need someone on another project, but i am not counting on that. which, of course, means that i have to look around for a completely new thing. which, in turn, i don't fancy for several reasons: i have always felt comfortable at the company, i have some super colleagues, i know the ins and outs of the job, the market isn't exactly ... um ... huge, the AMS (unemployment services) has to cut down on classes and therefore institutes whose clients are primarily unemployed people have to let trainers go. i had hoped for some stability this year, financially and health-wise, and the plan was to try for a baby and move into a bigger flat. sigh. this new situation doesn't exactly help to get rid of my anxiety and depression either.

what's bugging me most at the moment is the phrases that people throw my way, be it those responsible for the projects or colleagues, friends, acquaintances, but mainly the former. for months now i've been told that i do a great job, that i should not worry about not having enough work this year, that i am such an asset. okay, i am not the only one they let go (3 out of 8 were told goodbye), but still. being told that i am no longer needed sandwiched between statements such as "we really love your work" and "i really do not want to let you go" and "we are so, so sorry" and praise for my contribution to the team, well, it doesn't really make me feel better. the obvious question that comes to mind is: "then why ARE you doing it?"

then, again sandwiched between the above phrases, it's "you know, [insert name/s] has a family" and "[insert name] is much older and won't find another job so easily" and so on. so does that mean that if i happened to be as good or not as good a teacher but had a young child, i would still be on the team? if i happened to be 59 instead of 39, i wouldn't have to leave that team?

apparently they also talked to one colleague about working only part-time, asking her if she wanted that. well, guess what, she doesn't. neither, by the way, do i.

and then i keep being told that with my qualifications and experience and being the reliable, punctual, fun, lovely, fabulous, super-motivated trainer that i am, i won't have any problems finding a new job. yeah right, since all these things obviously counted for so bloody much at this place. if all that doesn't help me keep a job, how is it going to land me one out there, where all i can do is claim that i am [insert strength/qualification] but have not even proven it to anybody? that is just twisted, really, and it actually offends me.

and then the nasty suspicion does creep in that the two weeks sick leave in november and telling my project coordinator about my burnout were a mistake, that they influenced their decision.

so, once again, pretty much everything is up in the air. i'll have to ask around and network and apply for jobs (not easy to fit into a 50+ hours working week plus commuting plus the photography classes). another thing that doesn't help is that the last time i briefly worked for a different company from die berater, disaster struck: the company, venetia, went bankrupt and i will never see those approx. 3500 euros they still owe me. there's been too much change and instability in my life over the past 4 years, and i am finding it very, very hard to be positive about this whole situation.

having gotten this off my chest and having been allowed to feel sorry for myself, i want to share the video of j. k. rowling's commencement speech at harvard with you. i've loved this since i first heard it a couple of years ago, and one of my poet friends posted it on facebook today, quite appropriate at the moment, what with me thinking about failure a lot lately.

J.K. Rowling Speaks at Harvard Commencement from Harvard Magazine on Vimeo.

today's song of the day is by the delightful sia and includes these lines:

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peers
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, it is fear, it is fear

indeed.

and in order to end on a lighter note than this, here's a little story connected to one of my photos from istanbul:



i love the internet for things like this: a myriam from gatineau, canada saw this picture i took in istanbul in september 2010 on my flickr photo stream and contacted me to tell me she had pictures of the very same cat and its siblings. we eventually figured out that we met the three cats within a few days of each other and exchanged pictures of them. :)


song of the day: fear by sia.

breathing life into my blog

i thought i'd try and breathe a little life into my blog once more ... i am planning to post songs, photos, and poetry if and when it happens. we'll see how that goes.

the last couple of months haven't been too great. i was once again diagnosed with (mild) burnout, i had anxiety/panic and depression issues once again, particularly during the second half of november, when i was off work for a full two weeks, and then again around christmas. the doctor wanted to get me back on the meds, but i refused to. i am just not prepared to go through the side effects again, so i decided to see how life goes without medication, though if a certain line is crossed, i might have no choice but to go back on the sertralin. i had a few panic attacks, once had to take half a xanor, and i am very grateful for having heinz by my side, who's been super-supportive.

i haven't talked about my issues as much as i used to, at the beginning it was because i felt pretty much like a total loser and i withdrew. now that the holidays are over and my friends are back in vienna - and i am feeling better - i am sure it'll be easier to talk about it. funny though - i opened up to two people who i don't know that well (a former student, and an old friend who's reappeared in my life) - and both of them rewarded my openness with opening up themselves: and both of them have burnout and anxiety and depression issues as well! it just shows me, once again, that i am not alone, and that more people than we imagine have to deal with these things. i have been seeing my therapist more regularly, and i hope to come to terms with a couple of problems/issues.

it certainly hasn't helped that things at work have been changing quite a lot, and not particularly for the better. i am not sure what happens when my contract finishes on 18 february - there is a possibility that i will then only get a contract for 21 hours of teaching (instead of 37), which might be healthier, but would also mean that i'd have too little money to live on, which is a bit of a down side. so i have been worrying a lot, and we all know i am very good at that.

for christmas, i got what i wanted, only not quite the way i'd imagined it: i said i'd actually prefer to be left alone and not see people etc. so as soon as we arrived at heinz's family's in styria, i was down with the flu. the fever knocked me out for a few days, but the virus affected my respiratory tracts quite badly, and i am just now getting rid of the cold completely.

so my long christmas break was very different from what i'd planned it to be - i didn't get to see my family, i didn't take all those long walks i'd meant to take, i didn't take many photographs, i didn't read as much as i'd planned, i didn't meet many friends, i still haven't done my photography homework. instead i really looked after myself in terms of getting over that flu bug completely, i stayed in bed and slept more than i actually thought i could sleep. i did a lot of filing and putting things in order, i finally finished editing the istanbul pictures taken on our trip there in september, and heinz and i cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and inside out. i've been tinkering with older unfinished poems and scribbled down a few new ideas, and i even wrote a complete poem. and now that i have become used to sleep-ins and doing what i felt like doing, it's one weekend between me and the stressful world of work!

i've spent a lot of time with leonard cohen lately - his music, his lyrics, his poems, a documentary, his biography. i have so much admiration and respect for his talent, for the man, and though i have been a fan for a long time, i feel that my admiration has never been quite what it is now. whatever music comes and goes, i am sure leonard is here to stay in my life.

but of course, i have discovered singers and bands over the past year that were either new or not very well-known to me. there's the highly talented lisa lindal, the gorgeous and funny sia, brilliant singer sissel, the incredibly swinging ditty bops, norman palm, jill barber, melody gardot, wendy bucklew, the fabulous eilen jewell, the trishas, amelia curran, the adorable kate rusby, chris garneau, emily rodgers, the fleet foxes, the handsome family, and very recently swedish sister act first aid kit. lots of ladies on this list!

i've spent some time (re)reading poetry collections by arlene ang, kelli russell agodon, jayne pupek (who passed away much too soon last august), ros barber, john siddique, carolyn guinzio, valerie fox. 2010 was more successful in terms of poetry than 2009 and 2008, though that was not exactly such a challenge. i managed to write some poems, and i sent out a handful of submissions, all of which resulted in publications. that was encouraging - especially because several of the published poems were brand-new. looks as if i still have it in me! i also did a reading with sylvia petter, which she'd invited me to. i worked hard to prepare for the reading, and it paid off. i loved every minute of it, and though the audience was small, the people were incredibly disciplined and very appreciative. i definitely want to do another reading this year, we shall see what opportunities come up.

i finally went and enrolled for photography classes last september. it's a ten-month course, and it is very interesting, demanding, time-consuming, and fun. i have learned a lot, i've been experimenting, and i look forward to learning more.











and here's my song not only of today, but the last few days - such sadness, such beautiful lyrics, such a wonderful video, and the voices of stuart staples and the beautiful lhasa, who died so young early last year:



song of the day: that leaving feeling by stuart staples & lhasa de sela.

monthiversary

heinz and i first met 18 months ago yesterday - 13 august 2008, so we spent a lovely, relaxing saturday together. :)








song of the day: life is sweet by natalie merchant.

with my return to teaching, getting to know a new group and - of course - prep work, writing was pushed aside a bit this week. however, i've been working on a poem that i find quite difficult to handle, a poem in which recently uncovered issues in connection with my childhood and my mother are the main theme. the working title is "Portrait of Mother in Eleven Questions". i think i've got almost all i want to say, but am tinkering with the lines and words on and off. we'll see where it takes me / i take it.

nice/good/happy things this week: work. nice feedback. a colleague who'd obviously missed me. not as much chocolate. hooking up with an old school friend i had not seen in 10 years. a walk in sunshine & snow. a good film (winds of sand, women of rock) with a good friend. a farmville extension. a 27 page letter from my dear aussie friend rachael - always a treat. an interesting therapy session. a pineapple - cheap and juicy. a dream in which george clooney flirted with me in german and english. heinz.


song of the day: rock like a baby by elizabeth harper.

reactivation

so it's been nearly ten months since my last blog post: if i made any new year resolutions, one of them would be to blog more regularly this year!

i think one reason why i did not blog as much as i used to is the fact that nothing was happening with my writing: almost nothing new, no submissions sent out, no publication. i've been quite far from poetry (makes a nice title, doesn't it?) these past two years. over the last ten days, however, i have written five poems - that is two more than in 2009! they are all for my "elemental" project, the poems based on the elements of the perdiodic table. it is tough, trying to get back into the habit of writing regularly. today was the first time that i actually thoroughly enjoyed working on a poem again, it was like a flicker of how it used to be. i've also done a lot of research on the elements i still need to deal with - and it seems as if i have done most of the really inspiring, interesting ones. *s*

"there, between / heifer and cup-bearer, beloved of the god: the veiled bride, mistress// of the night. beneath the netting, her freckles seem to shift, like/constellations."

(from: europium (eu) - between io and ganymede, eleven minutes to six)

i don't want to dwell on the past too much, but in a nutshell: it was a good year, well, most of it.

moving was stressful, but it's great to live with heinz! i had expected to miss my old flat, at least occasionally, but i didn't. of course, the place is not big enough in the long run - so flat/house hunting is one of the major projects of 2010.

work: lots of lovely students, challening and highly interesting translation project (encyclopedia of western european languages) - although there seems to be hardly any freelance job without a fight for the money. i am going back to work on monday - finally! it has been too long.

we took a few short(ish) trips: croatia in may, carinthia (around my hometown) in july, south tyrol in september. lots of nature, hiking, swimming, tons of photos.

my social life suffered a little when i had lots of work on my plate and i turned into some kind of recluse for a while. fortunately i managed to break the habit in autumn, with the viennale film festival coming in handy.

what i found hard to deal with was the fact that i had to increase the dose of SSRI again in autumn, following some anxiety/panic incidents. i had a couple of hallucinations, too. i am sure that this was partly due to my confronting some of the demons from my past, and partly due to being worried about work (it was uncertain whether the english teaching project would be continues). i am seeing my therapist regularly, and we have tackled a few tough issues. but i have been feeling much better over the last couple of weeks or so. heinz has been a source of constant support and encouragement. :)

other stuff includes: farmville addiction (decreasing!), scrabble addiction, christmas in carinthia and styria, bob hewis's unexpected death, loved the book "the book thief", miss the writing community, 72nd out of about 1400 in the vienna photo marathon, boy group: otto, pruno & heinrich, facebook addiction, photography, the untimely death of one of my favourite singers - lhasa de sela, aunt resi's 100th birthday, puzzle addiction (reactivated), concerts: leonard cohen (#2!), bruce springsteen (#4), tori amos (#5, i believe), regina spektor.


here are some pictures (moving; croatia with the boy group; hiking in carinthia; h&m with aunt resi (100); leonard cohen & band; succulent; michi & alex with heinrich; michi with livia; ladybird):






















song of the day: haiti by the arcade fire.

since i last blogged ...

... i saw my canadian friend colleen again - 11 years after we'd first met in new zealand ...




... and heinz & i paid a visit to ms horowitz who's growing fast and is no longer toothless.




... winter still has not quite gone ...




... although spring made an appearance in styria in mid-march.




... i said goodbye to my lovely english II class ...




... and i've been translating like crazy.




... i've had a poem published in ether magazine ...




... and fish have come and gone at naschmarkt.




... i've kissed heinz once or twice ...




... and have started to pack, because i am moving in with heinz, hoping to be all done by the end of april!




song of the day: la celestina by lhasa.

flued to my bed for a week

so the flu laid me low for a while - fever peaked at 39.5C (102F) tuesday night. so much for spending my last week off filing, preparing, cleaning, and socialising! the only one i socialised with, besides my hot water bottle sheep, was my fabulous nurse heinz, though i am sure he has seen me more entertaining than last week. i certainly hope so. *suddenly worried*

of course i could not go to the badeschiff for the obama inauguration party, but i was told that a hundred people asked for me (harold might have been exaggerating just a tad), and that it was a great night.

as soon as i was up to it, i started watching lots of the australian open, and i have seen some terrific matches, both women's and men's. i've been reading more neil gaiman (coraline, stardust) and david foster wallace. i have not written any new poetry, and photography was not quite as intriguing between the sweaty sheets as elsewhere.

it's back to work tomorrow - finally. nathan and hanna subbed for me yesterday and today respectively, and apparently i have a really nice group. i look forward to meeting them.

i've acquired tickets for two events later this year: accordion tribe @ konzerthaus in april, and bruce springsteen @ ernst happel stadium in july - i'll see the boss for the 4th time then!

and here's vienna's strongest baby girl - livia malina horowitz, second to none (except perhaps pippi longstocking):



song of the day: don't think twice it's alright by indigo girls & joan baez.

poetry reviews and hello 2009

it was lovely to see that even though i had been so silent, i still have some blog readers - thanks for your notes, everyone! :)

heinz, being a true sportsman, did the run around the ring on 31 december - about 5 km, and he was quite happy with the time. i was *not* there to do the cheerleader thing ... ;)


back home after the run


so, 2009. heinz and i had a cosy new year's eve at home - cooking dinner, eating, watching some tv, drinking homemade punsch, cuddling up on the sofa, dinner for one on tv, a waltz & champagne at midnight, watching the fireworks all around ... and on the 1st we got up to watch the traditional new year's concert by the vienna philharmonic orchestra, this year conducted by daniel barenboim.


first h&m pic 2009


it hasn't been as cold in vienna as in many other parts of europe, and we have not had much snow either - but i don't miss snow in the city. late one night (around 01.30 am) we went for a walk in the freshly fallen snow - a bit crazy, yes, but fun. :)


people with hats on



lights in the park



houses shrink in the cold



where is receiver?


today we walked around the prater (an old amusement park in vienna), in about 2 cm of snow, and it got quite chilly after a while, but not too chilly to take lots of pictures - i have not edited them yet, but will soon.

unfortunately my english classes won't start until 26 january, but maybe i can start working on an additional project before then. we'll see. while i don't mind the free time, i DO mind not getting paid.

as promised, christopher george reviewed my chapbook the secret meanings of greek letters and alex stolis's and my collaboration chapbook small confessions and pebbles of regret for the winter issue of the loch raven review. thanks to chris for taking the time to read and review - i am quite chuffed.


ps: lots of christmas pics on flickr!


song of the day: all this time by maria mena.

a sign of life at the end of another year

yes i am still alive. yes i am doing really well. and yes i know i have not blogged in ages.

i never blogged about yet another brilliant kaizers orchestra concert in mid-november.

i never blogged about saying goodbye to my wonderful and very talkative english group in november - they said farewell with a small live fir tree after i had mentioned that i had never had a live christmas tree here in vienna. i named him norbert fichte (fichte=fir), and he is now in carinthia at my parents', awaiting spring, and a nice warm spot in the garden.


me and part of my english group: susanne, gabriele, bettina, lisa, sabine, sabrina

i never blogged about my 37th birthday on 21 november which i celebrated with some of my lovely friends - eating, drinking, dancing, laughing.


heinz loves curves. that, apparently, makes daniela happy.


tango! gudrun and heinz


old friends: gudrun & michi

i never blogged about translating a syllabus (german - english) in december, which was quite a bit of work.



i never blogged about how things are going health-wise: apart from a cold and a couple of days of feeling nauseous i've been fine. i am still on medication for panic attacks and such, but i have not had any attacks in a long time. i will have to go and see the doctor in january and then we can reduce the dosage.



i never blogged about how things are going with the new man in my life: great. really, really great. we are both happy, we have a lot of fun, we talk a lot, and we enjoy getting to know each other better every day. we practically live together by now, it's just that we have two homes - his apartment and mine.


carinthia *hearts* styria


styria *hearts* carinthia

we spent the christmas holidays together, first a few days with my family in spittal, and then with heinz's folks in southern styria. everything went very well. my parents seem to really like him, and i guess they can see that we are happy together. heinz's niece nina (8) apparently likes me quite a bit, and i loved how uncomplicated everything was at his sister christa's place.


spittal city choir: martin gabriel, wilfried gabriel, heinz sorgner


my granny and susanne, who helps to care for her


mom & ärik the älg (my christmas present from heinz)


meeee

i've been out taking photos now and then, but the poetry muse seems to have deserted me. i miss writing, i dream about writing poems, but i just can't sit down and write. sigh. let's hope 2009 will be more inspiring as far as poetry is concerned.

so - 2008. 2008 was ...

tough at first ~ sadness ~ leonard cohen ~ meeting valerio ~ literature festival fun ~ heartache ~ going out ~ saying goodbye ~ working hard ~ no poetry ~ scrabulously active ~ new friends ~ special guest at open mic ~ setting my hopes on the wrong guy for a while ~ erotic poetry reading ~ laughter ~ continuing to work on myself ~ a much, much happier me than in a long time ~ meeting heinz ~ parties ~ translating a book ~ fun with gudrun's boys ~ learning to look back without anger ~ kaizers orchestra ~ cosy evenings ~ music ~ sex ~ vogerlsalat mit speck und kernöl ~ lovely english students ~ cuddling ~ growing my hair ~ hiking in the carinthian mountains ~ challenging students in the q4u project ~ first tattoo ~ small successes ~ photograpy ~ kissing ~ champagne in the city ~ sudoku ~ hot ~ sunsets ~ central cemetery ~ fun ~ lonely at times ~ new chapters ~ cocktails ~ men ~ sweet ~ flirtatious ~ exciting ~ sleepless ~ ice-cream ~ getting on better with my mom ~ great feedback ~ skirts ~ high heeled sandals ~ facebook ~ losing touch a little with some old friends ~ giggling ~ getting tipsy with gudrun ~ new colleagues ~ chewing gum ~ dark chocolate with chili ~ strappy tops ~ crying ~ silliness ~ DIS (sorry, guys, secret!) ~ not enough blogging ~ reading with john siddique ~ reunion with lotta and janne ~ mauthausen ~ pigtails ~ smiles ~ love ~ tea ~ reading ~ espanol ~ carinthia ~ future ~ styria ~ wonderful friends ~ and of course a lot more.

i wish you all a very happy 2009 - may it be full of joy, fun, challenges, success, friendly faces and lots and lots of laughter.


song of the day: this is the life by amy macdonald.

old news, new news

if only there were about 35 hours in a day, i might actually get around to blogging more regularly! or maybe my life is simply too exciting ... ;)

on 15 october, the poet arrived in vienna: john siddique, that is, wonderful british writer (if you still haven't done so, check him out. now.) and lovely friend. he stayed at casa gabriel this time, so we had time to catch up and talk about life in general and love in particular.


iron man: the poet when he's at home

on thursday, 16 october, we read at shakespeare & company, a great little bookshop in vienna's first district. we had hoped for a few more people, but i guess the heavy rain that set in about an hour before the reading kept some folks away, and even i alone knew of ten people who'd wanted to come but couldn't make it that night. it was nice to see both friends and new faces. i read for about half an hour - poems from all chapbooks and some that are not available in print (yet), and john was on after me. his new poem "the knife" really got to the people. great writing. feedback was definitely good, and i think we both did a great job. so funny that a mere two years ago i was completely new to this whole reading-in-public business! who'd have thought i'd be enjoying it so much?





being the darling that he is, john agreed to come to class with me on friday morning, even though we could not offer him any money for that. i had prepared my group for his visit and they'd written response poems to his "yes" the previous day. john worked and talked with the students for a couple of hours and both sides obviously had a good time.


poeting in class

after a mexican dinner saturday night and shopping for austrian chocolates (i am not sure there are still any left at the shops), john left around noon on sunday.


having gotten over one cold, i immediately caught another, and then had a fever as well, so i stayed home from work for three days. ugh. it was good to be looked after by someone nice, but on the whole i prefer not to be sick. ;)


on 25 october i participated in vienna's photo marathon for the first time. 12 hours, 24 themes, one photo per theme, all in the correct order too. it's about creativity rather than the perfect photo, and a declaration of love to the beautiful city we live in. shame that it was the only day far and wide that the sun didn't even peep out. here are a few of the themes: 100% vienna, st stephen's cathedral, up and away, taxi!, everything's spinning, viennese hospitality. i was out and about from 09.30 until about 7.30 - lots of fresh air! i was really tired that evening, and sick again the next day. :(


spinning

unfortunately i missed several films i wanted to see at the viennale film festival this year due to the colds and fever, but i did see a billy wilder film and a documentary about bob dylan.

it was heinz's birthday yesterday - he's the other scorpio in this relationship - and will now be three years older than me for exactly two weeks. ;) apart from that, it was also the first anniversary of my divorce. what a state i was in a year ago, and how different everything is now! i am actually very, very pleased at how far i have come.

work is going well, only one week left now with my advanced group - i'll miss them. i've had more job offers but since cloning still has not advanced that far and a girl cannot be in two places at the same time, i had to turn them down, at least for now.

the last few weeks have been lovely - perfect autumn weather, my favourite time of year. early november, and the temperatures still reach 15°C (60F)! it's raining today, but that is alright after days and days of sunshine.










i still have not been to have a haircut - it's been nearly six months! i can actually make pigtailettes (*s*) now for the first time in years!



still no poetry. sigh. i wonder when it's time to give up?

oh and yes, like so many others i am very relieved that obama will be the next president of the united states. however, i hope that people don't forget that he, too, is only human, it seems that some consider him a new messiah. but there will be no miracles. still, it is a very good sign indeed. and re: that palin woman - good riddance. she really gave me the creeps.

song of the day: hotel california by the eagles.