the monster

to blog or not to blog about it, that's the question i've been pondering since the monster returned a couple of months ago: the monster of psychological problems, the monster of burnout, the monster of me not quite being myself, the monster of control slipping out of my hands.

i've wanted to write about it here, but then i thought about how some people told me in the past that it might be stupid to do so, because someone who is "somebody" at work could stumble on it. but - i guess, if they have nothing better to do, so be it. and i remembered how people emailed/messaged me five years ago, saying that my blog posts helped them feel less isolated, and a little more "normal" or "understood". i know my problems are minimal compared to those of some people i know, but they are still real and they still make me struggle and they make life very hard at times. so, i guess i am already in the middle of it ...

i had hoped i would never have to deal with the emotions, the pain, the panic i experienced in 2007/8 again. and for a long time it looked like my wish had been granted. however, my world seemed to crumble again earlier this year: in my job i went from being blissfully happy with what i was doing, where i was doing it, with whom i was doing it, to a project that is utter chaos, where i feel i am being wasted, where i have to constantly lower my (high) standards in order not to burn out completely, where nothing is going to change in the foreseeable future. in my relationship, things weren't going too well either, because both of us have had too much on our plates for a while. there was so much aggression towards people at work, so much frustration (can't go into details here, but some not so pretty things happened). and - the biggest problem of all: me, my own worst enemy. me, as in - my expectations (of myself, mostly), my high standards, my extraordinary sense of responsibility (for basically everything), the way i tend to define/identify myself mostly based on performance, accomplishments, etc., how i always tend to give 120%, how i work myself too hard, my low self-esteem, my need to feel loved, the pressure that i put myself under, how unforgiving i can be towards myself. i make allowances for everyone, it seems, but not for myself.

i could see where i was headed, and yet, i didn't do much about it. then i slept less and less. i saw the signs, in neon, blinking like crazy. i had been there before. one week in february, i slept less than 4 hours each night, and those were not a few hours of blissful, deep sleep, but half an hour here, half an hour there, and each morning i felt as if somebody had dragged me halfway across the city in my sleep. the last night of that week was the worst: i slept from 10.30 pm to 00:30, and that was that. i went to work, feeling like a zombie. i came home, feeling like a zombie. i couldn't sleep. i had a massive breakdown around 08:30 pm, started to cry, and couldn't stop. i cried and cried and had panic attacks and got caught up in ever the same thoughts, until i couldn't even move anymore, until i honestly thought i was losing my mind, that something would just snap. at 00:15, when heinz was home and saw me through another panic attack, i finally took a xanax, which knocked me out for some hours.

little wonder that i left the door wide open for all sorts of nasty little viruses, and i was really ill by monday morning. even then i still contemplated going to work! and even during my time off i felt responsible for everything - i checked assessment tests, i was online via the remote desktop half the day, i started looking for a place to stay, and generally didn't allow myself the rest i needed so badly. i had to take antibiotics for the first time in 20+ years.

my GP wanted to put me back on the same medication as in 2007/8. i accepted the trittico retard pills so i could sleep better. but i refused to go back on the sertralin (SSRI). last time it wreaked havoc with my digestive system, put an end to all creative processes for almost as long as i took the stuff, it also had a major negative influence on sexual pleasure, and i lost way too much weight in a really short time. and when i went off them ... ugh. for a week i went through every withdrawal symptom in the book. not pretty. i asked my doctor to refer me to a neurologist. a month later, i still haven't had an appointment - they must be the busiest people in the world. but, the day after tomorrow i am going to see the neurologist who treated me in 2007. perhaps we can find a better solution. i think i need to come to terms with the fact that medication might be it for me - at least for now.

i was off work for a full two weeks. my GP was reluctant to let me go back. my therapist didn't exactly call me crazy for going back to work in my state, but she very nicely asked me to go straight to my GP and go back on sick leave. which i didn't do. one reason was that things were looking good for a two-week class with motivated high level english students, a pleasant change from the normal fare. so i wanted to give that a go in order to have some pleasant experience at work and to get some of the energy back that i invested all the time.

the last 5-6 weeks have been really, really tough. sleeplessness, doubt, worry, moving out temporarily to a friend's studio, the sense of not belonging anywhere, not having a home (because, what home was i to myself?), anxiety, panic attacks, crying fits, and on more than one occasion i started hurting myself (digging my nails into my arms or hands, scratching myself till i bled), getting used to the pills ...

i am working very hard on myself these days. i think i have finally understood that if i don't change some of my faithful old patterns, i'm in real danger. it has never been as palpable as now. for my own sake, for MY own sake, i need to learn to love myself, not for the things i do, but for who i am. i need to learn to say no. i need to accept that i make mistakes and that that is okay. i need to treat myself with kindness. i need to be good to myself. i find it much, much easier to behave like that towards others. it's going to be a long, long road, but i am happy and proud to say that i have already managed to say no a few times lately, that i have allowed myself to do prep work in ten minutes (and it was still a very good day for myself and the students!), that i have allowed myself to stay at home because i was feeling awful, because i needed to look after myself and not others. i have allowed myself to say "i'll take care of it later" instead of doing everything at once. i have allowed myself to do absolutely nothing. i have allowed myself to make mistakes. i am taking it one step at a time, as best i can, and taking it one step at a time really isn't all that easy for me. i have also asked for help. i have just sent off an application for what they call rehab/a stay at a health resort. i have been diagnosed with burnout (and not one of the early stages), stress-induced depression, mental overload, anxiety and panic disorder. treatment at a health centre can help me become fit for work - and, basically, life - again. i would never have dreamed of asking for something like that even two or three months ago. perhaps all this sounds like nothing to some of you out there. to me they are giant steps in the right direction.

of course it all takes a lot of energy, and i have good and not so good days. last week was really good. my students were nice, and teaching was - once again, finally! - fun. heinz and i seemed to be on the same wavelength. i had no panic attacks, just a few incidents of feeling anxious. but it seems that even the good times take a lot of energy out of me, and perhaps that week also put me under some kind of pressure ... i.e. that this week would have to be just as good. it didn't start well, though. another fairly sleepless night. anxiety, panic. i couldn't go to work, i was exhausted. i try to see it as a small detour rather than a setback. i try to tell myself that it's okay. that i can't function perfectly at the moment. i know i am doing the best i can most of the time, and the rest of the time i am just trying not to sink.

this blog post is probably as much for me as for anybody else, or even more for myself than for anybody else. it's an addition to the many entries in my diary, an addition to my "good things that have happened this year" box, which - despite my difficult time - is filling up nicely. perhaps this will reach someone out there. perhaps it will fill my friends in on a few things i didn't post on facebook. and if someone who is "somebody" from work reads it - you can thank me for coming to work despite the shit hitting the fan so many times.

song of the day: the tower by vienna teng.

breathing life into my blog

i thought i'd try and breathe a little life into my blog once more ... i am planning to post songs, photos, and poetry if and when it happens. we'll see how that goes.

the last couple of months haven't been too great. i was once again diagnosed with (mild) burnout, i had anxiety/panic and depression issues once again, particularly during the second half of november, when i was off work for a full two weeks, and then again around christmas. the doctor wanted to get me back on the meds, but i refused to. i am just not prepared to go through the side effects again, so i decided to see how life goes without medication, though if a certain line is crossed, i might have no choice but to go back on the sertralin. i had a few panic attacks, once had to take half a xanor, and i am very grateful for having heinz by my side, who's been super-supportive.

i haven't talked about my issues as much as i used to, at the beginning it was because i felt pretty much like a total loser and i withdrew. now that the holidays are over and my friends are back in vienna - and i am feeling better - i am sure it'll be easier to talk about it. funny though - i opened up to two people who i don't know that well (a former student, and an old friend who's reappeared in my life) - and both of them rewarded my openness with opening up themselves: and both of them have burnout and anxiety and depression issues as well! it just shows me, once again, that i am not alone, and that more people than we imagine have to deal with these things. i have been seeing my therapist more regularly, and i hope to come to terms with a couple of problems/issues.

it certainly hasn't helped that things at work have been changing quite a lot, and not particularly for the better. i am not sure what happens when my contract finishes on 18 february - there is a possibility that i will then only get a contract for 21 hours of teaching (instead of 37), which might be healthier, but would also mean that i'd have too little money to live on, which is a bit of a down side. so i have been worrying a lot, and we all know i am very good at that.

for christmas, i got what i wanted, only not quite the way i'd imagined it: i said i'd actually prefer to be left alone and not see people etc. so as soon as we arrived at heinz's family's in styria, i was down with the flu. the fever knocked me out for a few days, but the virus affected my respiratory tracts quite badly, and i am just now getting rid of the cold completely.

so my long christmas break was very different from what i'd planned it to be - i didn't get to see my family, i didn't take all those long walks i'd meant to take, i didn't take many photographs, i didn't read as much as i'd planned, i didn't meet many friends, i still haven't done my photography homework. instead i really looked after myself in terms of getting over that flu bug completely, i stayed in bed and slept more than i actually thought i could sleep. i did a lot of filing and putting things in order, i finally finished editing the istanbul pictures taken on our trip there in september, and heinz and i cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and inside out. i've been tinkering with older unfinished poems and scribbled down a few new ideas, and i even wrote a complete poem. and now that i have become used to sleep-ins and doing what i felt like doing, it's one weekend between me and the stressful world of work!

i've spent a lot of time with leonard cohen lately - his music, his lyrics, his poems, a documentary, his biography. i have so much admiration and respect for his talent, for the man, and though i have been a fan for a long time, i feel that my admiration has never been quite what it is now. whatever music comes and goes, i am sure leonard is here to stay in my life.

but of course, i have discovered singers and bands over the past year that were either new or not very well-known to me. there's the highly talented lisa lindal, the gorgeous and funny sia, brilliant singer sissel, the incredibly swinging ditty bops, norman palm, jill barber, melody gardot, wendy bucklew, the fabulous eilen jewell, the trishas, amelia curran, the adorable kate rusby, chris garneau, emily rodgers, the fleet foxes, the handsome family, and very recently swedish sister act first aid kit. lots of ladies on this list!

i've spent some time (re)reading poetry collections by arlene ang, kelli russell agodon, jayne pupek (who passed away much too soon last august), ros barber, john siddique, carolyn guinzio, valerie fox. 2010 was more successful in terms of poetry than 2009 and 2008, though that was not exactly such a challenge. i managed to write some poems, and i sent out a handful of submissions, all of which resulted in publications. that was encouraging - especially because several of the published poems were brand-new. looks as if i still have it in me! i also did a reading with sylvia petter, which she'd invited me to. i worked hard to prepare for the reading, and it paid off. i loved every minute of it, and though the audience was small, the people were incredibly disciplined and very appreciative. i definitely want to do another reading this year, we shall see what opportunities come up.

i finally went and enrolled for photography classes last september. it's a ten-month course, and it is very interesting, demanding, time-consuming, and fun. i have learned a lot, i've been experimenting, and i look forward to learning more.











and here's my song not only of today, but the last few days - such sadness, such beautiful lyrics, such a wonderful video, and the voices of stuart staples and the beautiful lhasa, who died so young early last year:



song of the day: that leaving feeling by stuart staples & lhasa de sela.

setback

so it has happened. the thing i'd been dreading since i went off the SSRIs. i had a panic attack.

i felt better each day, but yesterday i just wasn't myself at all: felt like crying half the day, and i managed to fight off attacks several times throughout the afternoon, but i was so touchy and moody and tense by the time heinz came home that some silly misunderstanding just sent me over the edge. and that triggered the first panic attack in quite a while. i just couldn't breathe, and the fact that i was crying hysterically didn't exactly help. my hands and arms went numb, and breathing into a paper bag didn't help for ages. so i decided to take a xanax. which, of course, put me to sleep in no time. the sound of the rain outside helped me relax, too. heinz, as usual, was a star.

this episode really scared me. i guess part of me had been anticipating a panic attack, and perhaps that was what actually brought it on. yesterday afternoon i kept wondering whether i could "do it". stay off the SSRIs, that is. whether i'd be "strong enough" - to cope with anything. once the attack began, it was all "see? i knew it! i knew i couldn't do it ... i will never get through this ... it'll always be like this!" and of course that scared me even more, so it spiralled out of control. i just felt like a total loser. when i sit down and calmly think about it all, i know this isn't true, but yesterday evening it was.

my only hope is that this was the one dreaded panic attack and that i just had to get it over with, and that's the end of it.

thanks to my lovely friends who have been concerned about me since i went off the SSRIs - you rock.


song of the day: mama leone by laibach.

withdrawal

i went off my SSRIs (sertralin) on tuesday. so this is day five off the pills - for the first time since late october 2007. i am still taking 25mg of trittico (for sleeping / as a mild anti-depressant), but would like to get off those in a few months' time as well.

i'd reduced the dosage of sertralin twice - from 75mg to 50 and then 25, and both times my stomach was a little upset, and i was a little moody for a couple of days, but that was that. once i'd decided that now was the right time to quit (doctor had given okay months ago, said when i felt ready, i should just go ahead), i did. lately i had nearly forgotten to take the pills on some days, and i didn't really expect this to be a big deal. but it's not as easy as i thought it would be. now that i've decided to quit, all i seem to be thinking about is my little white helpers. not a big surprise, though, is it, when i've just not been myself these past five days?

at first i did not even make the connection - i thought i was so exhausted because of the pollen bothering me, or that i'd caught a cold. i didn't think that the effect would be that immediate. but after two days i did some research, asked around a little, and well ... they do have a name for this: SSRI discontinuation syndrome. doesn't that just sound marvellous? long list of symptoms, some of them sounding very familiar: exhaustion - check. occasional headaches - check. stomach problems - check. occasional dizziness - check. occasional sweating - check. temperature - check. and also what they describe as "brain shivers" - check. i have these minor black-outs, it's like arriving at the end of a very short period - of a second or a few seconds or even a split second - and not quite knowing how i got there. i find that sometimes my feet or hands or my brain won't do what i want them to do, at least not immediately - very disconcerting, that. i find it hard to concentrate. i don't sleep well. during the day i sometimes have the feeling i might just fall asleep standing up. i dream a lot, even more than i usually do. i am moody, feel on the verge of tears much of the time. and all this because my brain is trying to find some sort of balance again. i've tried to sleep as much as i can, i try to relax and let myself be distracted without doing too much, and i have my lovely man who supports me and puts up with my moods. i'll see how the weekend goes, and if things don't change, i'll consult my doctor. i just don't want to go back on the pills anymore. i can do what i want to do without them. enough, i say.

on friday, one student felt a panic attack coming on, and when i said "oh i know about those" in the process of helping her, people were surprised, i think. i've often had that reaction: "depressed? panic disorder? you?" but one thing i have learned is that you really cannot tell who has experienced these nasty things. the most outgoing, fun, confident people might tell you that they are being treated for these things, or have been through them in the past. there's just no telling. turned out that some people in my class - and there were only 9 of them on friday - know from their own experience or second-hand (daughters, friends, colleagues, ...). so for a while i abandoned what we'd been doing, answered questions, listened to others' accounts, and it was the right thing to do. i've always been open about this, and i think it does help to show people that they are not the only ones, and to raise awareness. one student wanted to know what to do if anybody around him had a panic attack - he actually seemed pretty scared that he might not know how to react, and he obviously had not realised how common such things are. so, here i am, blogging about this once again. who knows, it might help somebody out there, as it has done in the past.

apart from going off my SSRIs, the birch pollen have been extremely annoying, and i am very much looking forward to the day when i can breathe normally again. and go for a walk outside in the lovely spring weather.

i've been offered more work for five weeks in may and june, which is very good news. this means that i've allowed myself to go away for a few days in may, most likely croatia, just like last year.


song of the day: across the universe (live) by sean lennon, rufus wainwright & moby.

sunday girl

i'm really proud of myself because i managed not to work all day yesterday. i allowed myself some reading time, some girly book, not sophisticated at all. :) it was chilly outside, stormy, and anything from blue skies to blizzards, and it was nice to be curled up in bed (on the couch, actually, which has become my bed these past weeks) with a nice cup of cocoa & chili tea.

today, i slept "late" - or what has become "late" - ie nearly 9 o'clock, and i have been fooling around on facebook, playing some scrabble moves, on the phone to gudrun, and listening to the wonderful kitchenwitch mix cd that the lovely theresa boyar sent me. just the kind of music a girl needs. next in line: nicole's equally great mixes!

now my to do list is only about 25 entries long - easy peasy for a wonderwoman like yours truly, eh?

song of the day: sunday girl by blondie.

i'm very nearly using the f-word as a subject line.

a panic attack just hit me, pretty much out of the blue, like way back in autumn. i am not happy about this. not happy at all.

what i didn't know earlier ...

... was that my weekend would also be miserable, and bring the first panic attack in weeks.

my ex-husband was going to come by for a bit to drop off a letter that had been sent to the wrong addy, knowing that i did not have much time and was entering a very stressful phase in which i'd need all my energy. after one and a half hours of small talk, as i was sitting down to get back to work, he decided to share his "news" with me.

the moment he said he had two things to say, i knew: he was moving out of our old flat. and his girlfriend's pregnant. and i had suspected it a few months ago, but then dismissed that as paranoia. i knew it would happen eventually, but so soon ... and what really pissed me off is that she got pregnant quite a bit before he was even divorced, practically five minutes after they'd met, and i think he should have told me before the divorce. i wish he had told me earlier at least, then i could have dealt with it along with the split and all that, and i would not feel like i am back at square one now when i really don't need it, and when i thought i was getting better, and more positive and all that, even getting a bit interested in men again. i really don't understand why he had to wait so long, and tell me this weekend out of all weekends, knowing how much work i had to do, and that i would not exactly do a happy dance at the news.

i just broke down and cried, and i was so angry, and then - wham! - panic, the worst attack in months. i could not breathe anymore, my hands, arms AND feet went numb, i could not speak, i nearly collapsed when i tried to stand up, and i had to take one xanor, which had me subdued within ten minutes. i lost about five hours today, and have not done half of what i intended to do, and i am getting panicky thinking about everything i need to do tomorrow, and about this week, and month, ahead of me.

thanks and big, big hugs to the bestest friend in the world, gudrun, for being there yet again.

there's always a first time. sometimes even two.

this has never happened before: today when i woke up i thought, hmm, somehow it's awfully light outside for 06.30 ... then i checked my alarm clock and it said 02.30. that could not be right. then i was up and out of bed and i'm afraid i used some not very ladylike words to express my horror when i discovered it was 8! which is when my class starts. i was out the door within 15 minutes despite having to wash my hair. (i tell you, it WAS necessary. you have not seen me in the morning ...)

normally, my body clock is very reliable, and i wake up a couple of minutes before the alarm goes off, but i had a panic attack last night, around 0.30 and had to take half a xanor, because my hands were all numb, and i found it hard to breathe, and needed to sleep - and so, sleep i did. the meds must have switched off my body clock.

then the bus had a mini-accident because the car in front had to brake suddenly, and ... ah, you know. monday, eh?

i was 40 minutes late and i was mortified. my students were lovely though.

and then things went well, i made it home alive, which is good or i would never have read the acceptance note from qarrtsiluni - it was the first time i tried them, and they have accepted a photo for their insecta issue. hooray!

and now i am back from a very nice chat with my friend tom and will watch tonight's episode of grey's anatomy and try to get some sleep. until 06.30. not 8.

song of the day: get to leave by howe gelb off the album 'sno angel like you, a birthday present from my lovely friend sabine.

another sunday blog post

my first week with the new group of students went really well. they're nice, they want to learn, and we are having fun, too. more good news - i have been offered additional classes from mid-january! this means teaching up to 42,5 hours per week for a while, but i desperately need the money, and it's not too much prep work, because i will be teaching similar levels. and anyway, i can do that for a while.

i wish somebody had told me about progressive muscle relaxation 15 years ago. it's wonderful. sometimes i nearly doze off, and you can hardly be more relaxed than that, right? i have also started psychotherapy. we'll see if this therapist is "right" for me. i had to cancel my doctor's appointment for this week, due to work, but i am going on tuesday. i woke up with a panic attack yesterday morning at 6 - the first in a while. it was not *that* bad, i managed to calm down and go back to sleep eventually. today, i have had numb fingers several times, and i had another attack earlier. so far, i have not taken a pill, but if i keep feeling panicky, i might have to reconsider. :(

i am still not writing. i don't like it, but there seems to be nothing i can do. i have not been reading much poetry either, only ryan murphy's down with the ship; i am in love with a couple of his poems. am currently reading nick hornby's the complete polysyllabic spree, a book about reading/books, and the kind of book that makes you want to take six months off, head to a bookstore, max out your credit card and read read read.

i've been socialising some - hung out with nathan and ronnie at the café kafka most of wednesday afternoon (how decadent), and went to a party disguised as a vernissage on friday evening. on show were eva schuster's beautiful jewellery and leopold schuster's artwork: pencil on paper, plaster, and a mummy. i am now austria's first official mummy groupie - i named him poldi. it'll also be interesting to see if there are any long-term effects caused by spending about an hour in front of a huge drawing of a vagina. someone was taking pictures at the party, i'll post a link if they ever go online.

yesterday i had some close friends (my first-aid-team of the past 3 months or so) over to celebrated my birthday. here are a few pictures:


andi trying to look meeeean (and failing)



dreamy babs



my youngest guest: jakob



michi after half a glass of wine ...



it wasn't really *that* kind of party ...

and now i have to stop procrastinating. prep work to do, christmas cards to write, chapbooks to put into envelopes.

song of the day: dis quand reviendras-tu by martha wainwright.

lazy sunday afternoon

first of all, thanks everyone for the birthday wishes that reached me via email, blog comments, e-cards, phone, and in person! you made my day. :)

i cannot quite believe it, but my six weeks in amstetten are over! it's been fun, the commuting was not bad, actually, and i will miss some of my students. we went out for lunch on friday, which was very nice - there was a lot of laughter and teasing. thanks to nathan, one of my open mic acquaintances, i heard about a job teaching english here in vienna, and i got it! i am starting tomorrow. it's 21 hours per week, until the end of january. that's almost too good to be true, i was getting really worried, because i had nothing for the rest of the year. that's one load off my shoulders for a little while. (and no, it certainly isn't for the company who still owe me all that money!)

i am still feeling nauseous quite often, due to the meds, but at least i have not had a panic attack in a while. i do feel anxious at times, but i can control it better. i have now begun with progressive muscle relaxation (PMR), a technique developed by edmund jacobson. too soon to say anything about effects, but i'll certainly blog about it some more.

poetry-wise: nothing. :( i am supposed to be sending out subs today, but i am feeling a little blah: sore throat, tired, temperature is a bit higher than it should be. but then, nothing is wrong with a lazy day, right?

here's a cool song:



song of the day: trophy by bat for lashes.

stuff (which is a very, very original headline)

photography

in a comment on a recent blog post, sara asked this:

what is it about photography that seems to really attract poets? (including me) of all the other arts, it seems poets most gravitate to music and photography. music makes such obvious sense. but what is it, i wonder, about photography?

interesting, because i had been thinking about what *i* am looking for in photography, what attracts me when i am out to take pictures, what i am trying to capture, and i had been wondering about what poetry and photography have in common.

for one thing, it's imperfections that attract me: i'll choose a faded, wilting rose over a perfect blossom any day, because it tells a much more interesting story, and has more "character". i love trying to find beauty (and again, i am not talking about perfection) or a story in unlikely places, in cityscapes, in places that at a first glance might not be considered attractive, interesting, let alone beautiful. i am looking for contrasts, for something special in what we see every day. i am trying to find new angles of looking at things, details that others will not even notice.

and isn't all that what poets do? walk through the world with their eyes open, capturing things that many people might not see at all, or if they do, then look at them in a new, original way? and surely poets have to pay attention to detail.

sure, they are different media, but i think they have a lot more in common than one might assume.

work

it's been going well, i am enjoying the english class in amstetten, and i think so are my students. and of course i am learning a lot, too. i have quite a bit of prep work to do, but i get a lot done on the train. another two weeks to go. what worries me, is that i haven't got anything for december yet.

health

i had another appointment with the doctor on tuesday. he seemed a bit worried that the sertralin doesn't seem to be doing much except make me feel nauseous, and that i have not been sleeping as well as i used to. i said it might have to do with the divorce, which was on my mind a lot of the time, and which i was not exactly looking forward to (being scared of panic attacks, etc). so we decided that i continue as usual except wednesday, and the doctor left it up to me whether i wanted to take one sertralin instead of a half starting saturday. i decided to try, and it made me feel quite sick. we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

after my panic attack monday night, the doctor said to take a whole xanor on tuesday evening, perhaps a whole sertralin on wednesday, and another xanor on the way to court. and that is what i did. i cannot believe there are people who take up to 3 xanor daily. they must be completely subdued and kind of beside themselves. i felt really tired and a bit odd after all these pills. but at least i did not have any symptoms of anxiety.

i have another appointment on tuesday, and it is quite possible that we have to increase dosage of one thing or another. sigh.

i've lost quite a lot of weight lately, which is not bad in itself, but it has happened a little fast ... the other day i thought i was being very optimistic and tried on an old pair of jeans 3 sizes smaller than what i wore before the summer, and they fit.

music

i am at the arcade fire concert tonight, quite looking forward to it, and i am hoping that i won't feel too uncomfortable in the crowd (i always stay at the back or side anyway). the only thing i don't fancy is going outside again: it is chilly with a very fierce northerly wind, and it's wet, too. ugh.

egami rorrim




song of the day: no cars go by the arcade fire.

"you can freeze like a 30th century man"

i had a follow-up appointment with the doctor at the clinic on tuesday. we talked about my ambivalence about medication for quite a while. i do know that the medication can help me, but i am still unhappy about having to take it. one of my main issues at the moment is a fear of losing control, and so many things that are happening this year *are* actually beyond my control. and what these pills do, is also beyond my control, and that might be why i am not comfortable with it. when i said that i have accepted the fact that i need help, which was difficult in the beginning, the doctor didn't seem to be entirely convinced, because of my reluctance to take medication, but he did see that i really wanted to start psychotherapy. i thought about it for a bit, and found that there was a difference in that *i* play a part in psychotherapy ("*i* am in it" was how i put it, i think), while with medication, well, i take it and it does something to me. after listening to what i said about my anxiety and the panic attacks, the doctor suggested additional medication. he said i could either increase the dosage of trittico retard (a whole pill instead of 2/3) or take an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), but he would definitely suggest the latter. but of course he left it up to me to decide whether i wanted that or not. he ended up giving me a package of sertralin (zoloft): "you decide whether you want to take it or not." i am taking half a pill in the mornings now, and of course it makes me nauseous, and even gives me cramps for about 15-20 minutes. yesterday i felt slightly sick well into the afternoon. and i find i want to eat even less. so i am not particularly happy about this.

of course something else happened this week, just so i don't get the impression that this series of unfortunate events might actually come to an end. wednesday evening, when the washing machine cycle was finished, i opened the machine, and next thing i knew, the bathroom was under water. so – looks like the washing machine is dying on me. just what i needed on a day i heard about more taxes to be paid in advance, and with social security payments coming up again. i wasn't very relaxed, kept dropping things, then i knocked something over, and that did it – i just sat down on the floor and had a really bad crying fit. after that, i kept bursting into tears again and again, and felt anxious and nervous and panicky, so i decided to take half a xanor, because i didn't think i would be able to relax enough to fall asleep without it. i don't know what people do who take more than half a pill, because even that dosage makes me really, really tired (though the doctor says it is partly due to falling stress levels). at least i could sleep.

i now know that the day sepp and i have to appear in court to finalise the divorce, is november 7. i don't even want to think about it. i honestly dread it. i am already scared i might have a panic attack before it, or while there, and it is still 11 days to go! of course they had to make it a date when i am working, and a time i cannot make without finding a teacher who can sub for me or having to leave work early, etc. can nothing be simple?!

my friends continue to be the most wonderful people in the world. :)

* * * * *

thursday evening i went to see the stephen kijak documentary "scott walker – 30th century man" at the film festival. very good. walker is one of those artists that are hugely influential (at least in europe), and yet remain a mystery and are far from being a commercial success. a true avant-garde artist. he was one third of the walker brothers (remember "the sun ain't gonna shine anymore", that sixties classic?), but then discovered french songwriter jacques brel, translated him, and drifted into songwriting. he does really experimental, monumental stuff, industrial music. (fantastic to have the cameras in the studio the day he needs the sound of raw meat being slapped: he does not have it produced on a computer, he has raw meat brought into the studio and a percussionist "plays" it, to get the sound just right!) not everybody's cup of tea, and not music you simply put on as background music, more something you need to explore and that constantly requires your attention. or at least most of his more recent stuff does (um, that gives the wrong impression, because he puts out an album about once a decade). i have somehow always neglected to dig deeper, i must confess, and only started listening to him more (again) a little while ago when i saw his video "jesse" on austrian station gotv.

david bowie, richard hawley, alison goldfrapp, marc almond, jarvis cocker, radiohead, et al talked about his influence. so, this one's definitely recommended. particularly interesting: the sequences where walker speaks about inspiration and the creative process, and about his lyrics (which are worth checking out).

i need to share this quote that's on walker's album "scott 4" and which he mentioned in the interview in context of his creative process and the reason why he's in it (ie music):

"A man's work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover through the detours of art those two or three great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened."
Albert Camus

director stephen kijak was there, to talk about the film and answer questions afterwards. an old girlfriend of scott walker's, an ex-playboy bunny, happened to be in the audience as well.

* * * * *

poetry-wise: chapbook's not quite out yet, but soon. watch this space.

a poem's up at stone table review: nocturnal triptych from room 116.


song of the day: 30th century man by scott walker.

All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better

my business english class in amstetten is going well. i have 15 students aged 25 to 60, they really want to learn, are not afraid to talk, and are having fun. i am not really teaching specific business related topics yet, but revising tenses and building vocab, still getting a feel for how much they know / remember (more than i expected, actually). i don't really mind the train journey all that much. i borrowed a laptop, so i can work, write emails and such on the way to and from work, and that's two and a half hours every day. and since we are starting at 9 instead of 8 in the morning, i only have to get up about five to ten minutes earlier than i last did when starting class at 8 in vienna. the morning light is fantastic, one day it was beautifully foggy with the sun a dark yellow disc behind the mist, and today i saw some deer grazing near the train track.

i am still feeling nauseous every morning, though not as dizzy as i used to the first couple of days. on wednesday i had a bad panic attack. i started to feel anxious on the tram home, it was really packed, and i always feel uncomfortable on crowded public transport these days. i tried to stay calm, succeeded for a while, but on my way home from the supermarket, it got too much. i tried to control it somehow, but decided to take half a xanor after about 20 minutes. it made me very tired, i fell asleep for a while, and i felt subdued for quite a while after waking up, and nauseous, too. after taking the pill, i got really angry - angry with this ... this "thing", this illness that is taking control of my life. i found myself sobbing with frustration, banging my fist against the wall.

i know there are worse things than having panic attacks and mild depression for six weeks, but that doesn't mean i have to be okay with it, does it?

the weather broke today. beautiful indian summer changed to clouds, rain, and the forecast for the weekend is really bad - strong wind, rain, sleet, even a possibility of snow - and not just in the mountains. ugh.

been listening to regina spektor a lot this afternoon, so here are some of her words ("fidelity"):

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose you never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs
just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

song of the day: fidelity by regina spektor.

hush, hush darlin'

i took 1/3 of trittico retard both friday and saturday; slept really well friday night; not quite as well last night. the side effects the doctor mentioned are definitely bothering me: i feel nauseous and dizzy when getting up, for a good hour on both days. i took 2/3 of a pill today, because it is really important that i sleep well tonight - i have to get up at 5.15 tomorrow morning to get to amstetten, where i will be teaching business english for the next 6 weeks, by 8. it's about 120km from vienna, so a rather long train ride there and back every day.

can't say that my mood has been lifted by the meds, but that may be because of what i mentioned in my last blog post - significant date(s) this weekend. i had a panic attack at my friends' place last night, not the worst ever, but i felt dizzy and tense, with numb hands, for quite a while. i decided not to take one of the "emergency pills", though i might have done, had i been on my own.

i wish i could write, as in: write poetry, but i simply cannot. maybe it's because i can't concentrate on anything very well.

* * * * *

babs, andi, and i went for a walk yesterday afternoon, at lobau, part of the donauauen nationalpark (danube floodplains n.p.), and i brought back some pictures (click to enlarge):












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been listening to the song below a lot this weekend, since i came across it while channel-hopping yesterday afternoon. got the old no doubt album out, which i had not done in years!

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

song of the day: don't speak by no doubt.

mind matters

my fever's gone, my neck doesn't hurt all that much anymore (i was actually able to sleep about 4 hours last night!), and so i finally made it to that clinic (kriseninterventionszentrum) i mentioned a few days ago. sepp came along, because i'd asked him to, as i was a little scared that i might feel uncomfortable and very nervous or not go at all. the doctor/therapist i spoke to was very nice, and i found it easy to talk about everything that had happened, about my symptoms, fears, worries.

i told him that i am off alcohol and my beloved earl grey and darjeeling tea (which he thought was smart), but that no way would i go off chocolate, no matter whether it is good or bad for certain processes going on in my brain. i need my dose of happy hormones! ;)

i also shared my concerns re taking pills, and while he can see why i am cautious, he told me that the most important thing seems to be my sleep. so he suggested that i take a small dose of trittico retard every day before bedtime to treat my insomnia; it's also a mild anti-depressant. he also gave me a couple of xanor (alprazolam) just in case, for really bad panic attacks. he thinks the mere fact that i have those pills might make me feel safer, less anxious.

of course he agrees that therapy would be best. i'm going to contact a couple of therapists next week, and on the 23rd i have another appointment at the clinic.

i've been rather down the last couple of days, not so panicky, but sad - because of a (non-)anniversary (tomorrow), and the fact that 2 months ago i thought i might be going to california again around this time.

* * * * *

poetry news:

poemeleon has accepted two elements poems (Silicon, Caesium) for their prose poem issue due to be published in December.

womb editor michelle detorie informed me that she'd love to use one of my poems (who's keeping time with the timekeeper's daughter, when the timekeeper's out keeping time) for a special "daughters" issue. i was especially pleased since i was not sure whether my submission was still under consideration, and because i am partial to that poem.

the issue of cahoots with some of my work is scheduled for 3rd december.

and kristy at dancing girl press is busy putting the finishing touches on my chapbook! yay!

* * * * *

here are a few pics of my sunday stroll through a nearby park, oberlaa:









song of the day: if i have to go by tom waits.

more of the same

slowly but surely i am beginning to think that there is a big neon sign flashing above my head, spelling out "I AM HERE!" so that more shit can be dumped on me. *sigh* last week i was coughing badly, and since the weekend i've had a fever. also, sunday morning i woke up with a rather stiff, sore neck, which i hoped would not bother me too long. oh but bother me it did. does. it got so bad monday night that i could barely sleep - it was impossible to find a sleeping position that did not hurt like hell, and i spent hours awake, at times pacing the living room, trying not to whimper, cry and/or pass out with frustration and pain.

monday was my last day at the crap company. so yes, i did go in despite my fever and neck problem. tried to find a sub for the afternoon, but was not successful at such short notice. i had a very bad panic attack during my lunch break, by far the worst / most intense attack i've had at work. i don't think i've felt as bad and scared since that attack three weeks ago. i was on the phone with sepp, poor guy, and that helped, but still ... don't ask me how i got through the afternoon. it was not exactly fun.

this morning i went to see the GP for the neck pains, got some tablets which make me incredibly tired, but lying down still hurts very badly, and instead of sleeping at 01.30 am, i am sitting here writing a blog entry. in fact, the pills had brought some relief, but just before going to bed about two hours ago, i inadvertently made a wrong move ... yay. not.

of course the fever and the neck pain made me stay in, and i did not go to the clinic nor did i go to the tennis tournament at stadthalle, where i usually go each year, at least on tuesdays, ladies day, when it's free for us girls. :( we'll see how i am in the morning. if i feel up to it, i'll go, if not, i'll go on thursday.

i'm really pissed off, because it happens so often that i get ill when i have time off. and the weather's so glorious too! and it's not like i don't have work to do either. *sticking my tongue out at life*

* * * * *

my poem selenium (se) - serenade in f minor: sixteen people, locoweed and cattle at full moon was among the top 10 poems of the poetry super highway contest. 8th place out of 497 poems, which means i did better than last year, when one of my kitchen conversations was in 9th place. and funny, once again it was the poem i thought i "might as well throw in". i won a book and 10 euro. :) the top three poems can be read on the PSH website. congratulations!

front porch told me they were "very impressed by my writing" but that my particular piece "was not a right fit". hm, my "particular piece" was actually five pieces, but never mind.

but: i'll try and get some sleep.

song of the day: hit me baby one more time by travis.

panics & poetics

the panic continues. sometimes i have almost normal days (or maybe i have just gotten used to somehow expecting the next attack to happen), but other days, it can get quite bad, like last thursday, and saturday. fortunately i was not alone. thursday during that attack i felt dizzier than ever, and for the first time, my hands went a bit numb for a while. very scary, that. i have begun to feel somewhat claustrophobic on crowded trains and in busy places. i sleep really badly, and often i wake up with a start, finding myself sitting upright in bed. i could also do with a few massages. i've done quite a bit of research, and talked to many people about anxiety/panic attacks.

i want to thank everyone who left comments on the blog and/or back-channelled me about this. i've had the loveliest emails from friends near and far, and of course ongoing support (phone, emails, in person) from my viennese friends - you all make me feel loved, and i really don't know what i would do without you.

i am not doing particularly well tonight, because despite promises, the company hasn't paid yet. things are pretty bad. some colleagues really don't know how to go on anymore, they have to support their families, and not just themselves, and i have heard of people who are owed over $23,000 by the company. my not-quite $9,000 sound like peanuts compared to that.

i have an appointment next week, at a free centre/clinic. i've had some replies to a query i sent out to all doctors, therapists, and psychologists registered at a very useful website called besthelp.at - some helpful tips, and maybe i will check out one or two of the therapists, arrangements may be possible where i don't have to pay the full price for their services. i'll keep you posted.

* * * * * * *

poetry-wise, i finished my round of 10:10 yesterday.

titles:

06 Open Letter to A Poet
07 dyspnea
08 glossolalia
09 Copper (Cu) - The day I fell in love with a mirror
10 panikos


the new issue of pebble lake review is out, and i cannot wait to get my hands on my copy! my poem you've been flirting again cannot be read online, but some of the contributors read their poetry on the PLR website.

i have two octoberish poems and four photos in a magazine called in the fray, which you should check it out. nice thing is that they also pay me $20 for my work. :)

Still Life with Mellifluous Strings, a collaborative poem written with nathan mcclain about a year ago, can now be read in the latest issue of eclectica.

hiss quarterly has accepted one of my poems, after the fever, for their themed november issue ("slip out the back, jack").

and stone table review should be out any day now ...

and of course, kristy is busy working on my greek letters baby ... i am sure that one will be a beauty!

* * * * * * *

i guess one lesson i have learned lately is not to make too many of *my* songs *our* (as in, his&mine) songs. (though tough to do for a music junkie like me who loves to share.) there are so many tunes i find i cannot listen to these days. lines, meanings, memories ...

here's a heartbreaker that i *can* stand listening to, but just. just.

I know, you will not see me, but I know you have a daughter
And I hear she has my eyes
They say she calls him "father", and he's proud of her
And even believes all of your lies
But for all your faithless beauty, I'd give all my tomorrows
And if you're still thinking of me
Louise, Louise, if it's true
Tell it to me

ah the world cannot be all bad as long as there's a tom waits in it.

song of the day: tell it to me by tom waits.

how things are

i haven't been doing too well lately. for the past three weeks i've been having anxiety / panic attacks. i had a few earlier this year, but once every three months did not worry me all that much - and i was not even sure what they were. daily attacks, however, are a different matter. and of course by now i am scared all the time that i might have another one. the really bad ones all happened at home, or at friends' places, but i have had them at work, on public transport, at a supermarket, and while out walking. my friends both here in vienna and around the world have been absolutely amazing. they listen, they look after me, they offer places to stay (an offer i have accepted many times these past two weeks), and are quite simply there whenever i need them. i know i need professional help, but the trouble is that in my current financial situation (yes, the company still owes me quite a bit of money) i cannot really afford long-term therapy, so i am looking into other options, places i can turn to that offer free counselling, or professional help at little cost.

i am glad that the two groups i have been teaching the past three weeks are rather lovely, and i don't think my performance at work has suffered. i only find that work wears me out a lot more than it normally does, but i am still rather grateful i have a reason to get up in the morning.

liz and sarah have sort of dragged me over to itws' 10:10 forum, which means i am trying to write ten poems within ten days. i am on day six, but have not written today's poem yet. i am not entirely sure it was a good idea to start this round, because while it *is* a distraction, writing daily also adds stress. but i think i got a couple of good poems out of the round already.

titles so far:

01 Cinderella's Soliloquy
02 i kissed someone i shouldn't have kissed
03 wednesday’s foolish love song
04 words : mine, yours
05 For what it's worth, I miss you, too

i received kelli russell agodon's wonderful chapbook geography in the mail this week, and am enjoying it immensely. this morning i fell in love with her poem Venice which you can read here, and which begins

Rusty church bells don't sound,
instead we listen to the cathedral
eroding, remains from ailing statues
dropping in the canals
pouring over—

speaking of being in love with words: i have listened to joanna newsom's this side of the blue about a dozen times today. my favourite lines from the terrific lyrics:

While across the sky sheet the impossible birds
In a steady, illiterate movement homewards

here's a great live version i found on youtube.

song of the day: this side of the blue (live) by joanna newsom.