All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better

my business english class in amstetten is going well. i have 15 students aged 25 to 60, they really want to learn, are not afraid to talk, and are having fun. i am not really teaching specific business related topics yet, but revising tenses and building vocab, still getting a feel for how much they know / remember (more than i expected, actually). i don't really mind the train journey all that much. i borrowed a laptop, so i can work, write emails and such on the way to and from work, and that's two and a half hours every day. and since we are starting at 9 instead of 8 in the morning, i only have to get up about five to ten minutes earlier than i last did when starting class at 8 in vienna. the morning light is fantastic, one day it was beautifully foggy with the sun a dark yellow disc behind the mist, and today i saw some deer grazing near the train track.

i am still feeling nauseous every morning, though not as dizzy as i used to the first couple of days. on wednesday i had a bad panic attack. i started to feel anxious on the tram home, it was really packed, and i always feel uncomfortable on crowded public transport these days. i tried to stay calm, succeeded for a while, but on my way home from the supermarket, it got too much. i tried to control it somehow, but decided to take half a xanor after about 20 minutes. it made me very tired, i fell asleep for a while, and i felt subdued for quite a while after waking up, and nauseous, too. after taking the pill, i got really angry - angry with this ... this "thing", this illness that is taking control of my life. i found myself sobbing with frustration, banging my fist against the wall.

i know there are worse things than having panic attacks and mild depression for six weeks, but that doesn't mean i have to be okay with it, does it?

the weather broke today. beautiful indian summer changed to clouds, rain, and the forecast for the weekend is really bad - strong wind, rain, sleet, even a possibility of snow - and not just in the mountains. ugh.

been listening to regina spektor a lot this afternoon, so here are some of her words ("fidelity"):

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose you never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs
just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

song of the day: fidelity by regina spektor.