how things are

i haven't been doing too well lately. for the past three weeks i've been having anxiety / panic attacks. i had a few earlier this year, but once every three months did not worry me all that much - and i was not even sure what they were. daily attacks, however, are a different matter. and of course by now i am scared all the time that i might have another one. the really bad ones all happened at home, or at friends' places, but i have had them at work, on public transport, at a supermarket, and while out walking. my friends both here in vienna and around the world have been absolutely amazing. they listen, they look after me, they offer places to stay (an offer i have accepted many times these past two weeks), and are quite simply there whenever i need them. i know i need professional help, but the trouble is that in my current financial situation (yes, the company still owes me quite a bit of money) i cannot really afford long-term therapy, so i am looking into other options, places i can turn to that offer free counselling, or professional help at little cost.

i am glad that the two groups i have been teaching the past three weeks are rather lovely, and i don't think my performance at work has suffered. i only find that work wears me out a lot more than it normally does, but i am still rather grateful i have a reason to get up in the morning.

liz and sarah have sort of dragged me over to itws' 10:10 forum, which means i am trying to write ten poems within ten days. i am on day six, but have not written today's poem yet. i am not entirely sure it was a good idea to start this round, because while it *is* a distraction, writing daily also adds stress. but i think i got a couple of good poems out of the round already.

titles so far:

01 Cinderella's Soliloquy
02 i kissed someone i shouldn't have kissed
03 wednesday’s foolish love song
04 words : mine, yours
05 For what it's worth, I miss you, too

i received kelli russell agodon's wonderful chapbook geography in the mail this week, and am enjoying it immensely. this morning i fell in love with her poem Venice which you can read here, and which begins

Rusty church bells don't sound,
instead we listen to the cathedral
eroding, remains from ailing statues
dropping in the canals
pouring over—

speaking of being in love with words: i have listened to joanna newsom's this side of the blue about a dozen times today. my favourite lines from the terrific lyrics:

While across the sky sheet the impossible birds
In a steady, illiterate movement homewards

here's a great live version i found on youtube.

song of the day: this side of the blue (live) by joanna newsom.