what i didn't know earlier ...

... was that my weekend would also be miserable, and bring the first panic attack in weeks.

my ex-husband was going to come by for a bit to drop off a letter that had been sent to the wrong addy, knowing that i did not have much time and was entering a very stressful phase in which i'd need all my energy. after one and a half hours of small talk, as i was sitting down to get back to work, he decided to share his "news" with me.

the moment he said he had two things to say, i knew: he was moving out of our old flat. and his girlfriend's pregnant. and i had suspected it a few months ago, but then dismissed that as paranoia. i knew it would happen eventually, but so soon ... and what really pissed me off is that she got pregnant quite a bit before he was even divorced, practically five minutes after they'd met, and i think he should have told me before the divorce. i wish he had told me earlier at least, then i could have dealt with it along with the split and all that, and i would not feel like i am back at square one now when i really don't need it, and when i thought i was getting better, and more positive and all that, even getting a bit interested in men again. i really don't understand why he had to wait so long, and tell me this weekend out of all weekends, knowing how much work i had to do, and that i would not exactly do a happy dance at the news.

i just broke down and cried, and i was so angry, and then - wham! - panic, the worst attack in months. i could not breathe anymore, my hands, arms AND feet went numb, i could not speak, i nearly collapsed when i tried to stand up, and i had to take one xanor, which had me subdued within ten minutes. i lost about five hours today, and have not done half of what i intended to do, and i am getting panicky thinking about everything i need to do tomorrow, and about this week, and month, ahead of me.

thanks and big, big hugs to the bestest friend in the world, gudrun, for being there yet again.