"you can freeze like a 30th century man"

i had a follow-up appointment with the doctor at the clinic on tuesday. we talked about my ambivalence about medication for quite a while. i do know that the medication can help me, but i am still unhappy about having to take it. one of my main issues at the moment is a fear of losing control, and so many things that are happening this year *are* actually beyond my control. and what these pills do, is also beyond my control, and that might be why i am not comfortable with it. when i said that i have accepted the fact that i need help, which was difficult in the beginning, the doctor didn't seem to be entirely convinced, because of my reluctance to take medication, but he did see that i really wanted to start psychotherapy. i thought about it for a bit, and found that there was a difference in that *i* play a part in psychotherapy ("*i* am in it" was how i put it, i think), while with medication, well, i take it and it does something to me. after listening to what i said about my anxiety and the panic attacks, the doctor suggested additional medication. he said i could either increase the dosage of trittico retard (a whole pill instead of 2/3) or take an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), but he would definitely suggest the latter. but of course he left it up to me to decide whether i wanted that or not. he ended up giving me a package of sertralin (zoloft): "you decide whether you want to take it or not." i am taking half a pill in the mornings now, and of course it makes me nauseous, and even gives me cramps for about 15-20 minutes. yesterday i felt slightly sick well into the afternoon. and i find i want to eat even less. so i am not particularly happy about this.

of course something else happened this week, just so i don't get the impression that this series of unfortunate events might actually come to an end. wednesday evening, when the washing machine cycle was finished, i opened the machine, and next thing i knew, the bathroom was under water. so – looks like the washing machine is dying on me. just what i needed on a day i heard about more taxes to be paid in advance, and with social security payments coming up again. i wasn't very relaxed, kept dropping things, then i knocked something over, and that did it – i just sat down on the floor and had a really bad crying fit. after that, i kept bursting into tears again and again, and felt anxious and nervous and panicky, so i decided to take half a xanor, because i didn't think i would be able to relax enough to fall asleep without it. i don't know what people do who take more than half a pill, because even that dosage makes me really, really tired (though the doctor says it is partly due to falling stress levels). at least i could sleep.

i now know that the day sepp and i have to appear in court to finalise the divorce, is november 7. i don't even want to think about it. i honestly dread it. i am already scared i might have a panic attack before it, or while there, and it is still 11 days to go! of course they had to make it a date when i am working, and a time i cannot make without finding a teacher who can sub for me or having to leave work early, etc. can nothing be simple?!

my friends continue to be the most wonderful people in the world. :)

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thursday evening i went to see the stephen kijak documentary "scott walker – 30th century man" at the film festival. very good. walker is one of those artists that are hugely influential (at least in europe), and yet remain a mystery and are far from being a commercial success. a true avant-garde artist. he was one third of the walker brothers (remember "the sun ain't gonna shine anymore", that sixties classic?), but then discovered french songwriter jacques brel, translated him, and drifted into songwriting. he does really experimental, monumental stuff, industrial music. (fantastic to have the cameras in the studio the day he needs the sound of raw meat being slapped: he does not have it produced on a computer, he has raw meat brought into the studio and a percussionist "plays" it, to get the sound just right!) not everybody's cup of tea, and not music you simply put on as background music, more something you need to explore and that constantly requires your attention. or at least most of his more recent stuff does (um, that gives the wrong impression, because he puts out an album about once a decade). i have somehow always neglected to dig deeper, i must confess, and only started listening to him more (again) a little while ago when i saw his video "jesse" on austrian station gotv.

david bowie, richard hawley, alison goldfrapp, marc almond, jarvis cocker, radiohead, et al talked about his influence. so, this one's definitely recommended. particularly interesting: the sequences where walker speaks about inspiration and the creative process, and about his lyrics (which are worth checking out).

i need to share this quote that's on walker's album "scott 4" and which he mentioned in the interview in context of his creative process and the reason why he's in it (ie music):

"A man's work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover through the detours of art those two or three great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened."
Albert Camus

director stephen kijak was there, to talk about the film and answer questions afterwards. an old girlfriend of scott walker's, an ex-playboy bunny, happened to be in the audience as well.

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poetry-wise: chapbook's not quite out yet, but soon. watch this space.

a poem's up at stone table review: nocturnal triptych from room 116.


song of the day: 30th century man by scott walker.