panics & poetics

the panic continues. sometimes i have almost normal days (or maybe i have just gotten used to somehow expecting the next attack to happen), but other days, it can get quite bad, like last thursday, and saturday. fortunately i was not alone. thursday during that attack i felt dizzier than ever, and for the first time, my hands went a bit numb for a while. very scary, that. i have begun to feel somewhat claustrophobic on crowded trains and in busy places. i sleep really badly, and often i wake up with a start, finding myself sitting upright in bed. i could also do with a few massages. i've done quite a bit of research, and talked to many people about anxiety/panic attacks.

i want to thank everyone who left comments on the blog and/or back-channelled me about this. i've had the loveliest emails from friends near and far, and of course ongoing support (phone, emails, in person) from my viennese friends - you all make me feel loved, and i really don't know what i would do without you.

i am not doing particularly well tonight, because despite promises, the company hasn't paid yet. things are pretty bad. some colleagues really don't know how to go on anymore, they have to support their families, and not just themselves, and i have heard of people who are owed over $23,000 by the company. my not-quite $9,000 sound like peanuts compared to that.

i have an appointment next week, at a free centre/clinic. i've had some replies to a query i sent out to all doctors, therapists, and psychologists registered at a very useful website called besthelp.at - some helpful tips, and maybe i will check out one or two of the therapists, arrangements may be possible where i don't have to pay the full price for their services. i'll keep you posted.

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poetry-wise, i finished my round of 10:10 yesterday.

titles:

06 Open Letter to A Poet
07 dyspnea
08 glossolalia
09 Copper (Cu) - The day I fell in love with a mirror
10 panikos


the new issue of pebble lake review is out, and i cannot wait to get my hands on my copy! my poem you've been flirting again cannot be read online, but some of the contributors read their poetry on the PLR website.

i have two octoberish poems and four photos in a magazine called in the fray, which you should check it out. nice thing is that they also pay me $20 for my work. :)

Still Life with Mellifluous Strings, a collaborative poem written with nathan mcclain about a year ago, can now be read in the latest issue of eclectica.

hiss quarterly has accepted one of my poems, after the fever, for their themed november issue ("slip out the back, jack").

and stone table review should be out any day now ...

and of course, kristy is busy working on my greek letters baby ... i am sure that one will be a beauty!

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i guess one lesson i have learned lately is not to make too many of *my* songs *our* (as in, his&mine) songs. (though tough to do for a music junkie like me who loves to share.) there are so many tunes i find i cannot listen to these days. lines, meanings, memories ...

here's a heartbreaker that i *can* stand listening to, but just. just.

I know, you will not see me, but I know you have a daughter
And I hear she has my eyes
They say she calls him "father", and he's proud of her
And even believes all of your lies
But for all your faithless beauty, I'd give all my tomorrows
And if you're still thinking of me
Louise, Louise, if it's true
Tell it to me

ah the world cannot be all bad as long as there's a tom waits in it.

song of the day: tell it to me by tom waits.