pills, pains, poetry & pictures

i've been on the full dose of 20 mg citalopram and 150 mg trittico retard for two days now. i haven't had any more of those early mini migraine attacks, but there is still plenty of nausea and dizziness, especially after getting up, no matter what time it is. i feel leaden, very tired and subdued in the mornings, as if i were wading through molasses or some such. i sleep well, but after taking my trittico ret. i still need an hour or so before i fall asleep. today i set my alarm for 07:15, got up about 25 minutes later, the earliest (by between one hour and six hours) in quite a while, and now, at 09:20 i still have problems keeping my eyes open, and i feel as if i'd just crawled out of bed after a particularly late night. my eyes, now, they still feel weird. i am no longer constantly conscious of them, but still frequently. and there are times, like this morning, when it's as if i were looking through mist or a dirty window (and no, it's not my glasses!). very unpleasant, that. i am trying not to think about it too much, but if this doesn't change (the tiredness, the problems with my eyes), how will i ever manage to get up at 06:20 and be fit for work at 08:00? they might as well employ a zombie!

but now, of course, i am on holiday! i am leaving for the isle of wight tomorrow - the plane leaves at 06:20. don't ask me how i will go about staying awake long enough to get up, let alone get ready! the neighbours might object to blaring music at 04:15 a.m. ... also, i may have been a tad optimistic about england in april. but from my experience it had always been much nicer there than here around easter. this year, however, most of europe seems to still be firmly in the grip of winter. more snow is on its way to vienna, looks like i will be leaving home in subzero C temperatures! at least i take it for granted that the south of england will be warmer than THAT! i just hope it will be dry. and if not, well, perhaps i should just take another plane to somewhere warm once i arrive at gatwick ....

the good news of the day are mostly poetry-related:

stone highway review has recently accepted a previously published poem (a rare occurence), one that has always been very special to me, "Open Letter to a Poet". it's very personal, and i remember reading it at vienna lit festival in 2008. it was perfect, i think you really would have heard a pin drop, the audience was so attentive - i really "had" them.

yesterday susan yount of arsenic lobster poetry journal told me i was top of her list of nominations for best new poets 2013, asking me if i qualified - and i do. so, i am now a best new poets 2013 nominee! i am very grateful to susan for her support, and whatever comes of this, i am honoured to have been nominated!

i've arranged to meet a dear old friend - my girl in istanbul, özge - in passau later this month, and i'm looking forward to that.

i've also finally edited the photos taken in venice in november 2011, my 40th birthday mini-break! editing pictures seems to be a perfect task for me at the moment, keeps me focused, and my hands busy. here are a couple of pictures, you can find more over on flickr.


ghost gondola



ghostly sun



prostrate



winter cabins



reverence (s. diaghilev's grave)



speedboat



blue



feline-human contact



a different kind of tricolore



h&m in burano



candy colours & ubiquitous tower



tabletop bird


song of the day: wasteland by woodkid.

side effects

day 2 on 10 mg of citalopram. i know it's early days, but ... today i almost wished for my old sertralin back!

yesterday, a couple of hours after taking the first 10 mg, i started feeling dizzy, then nauseous, and then i had the strangest sensation of pressure behind my eyeballs for maybe 10-15 minutes. that was *really* unpleasant. nausea came and went for about 6 or 7 hours, dizzy spells for 2-3 hours. i had a couple of "headache attacks", which only lasted 5-10 minutes each. also, i didn't feel hungry most of the day.

today i've felt worse. i keep getting those 5-10 minute headaches, but they feel like mini migraines, make my eyes hurt, as if someone were squeezing really hard behind my eyeballs. i felt nauseous for a while, especially about 2 hours after taking the pill. and - something i didn't experience yesterday - i suddenly felt as if the weight of the world were on my shoulders. i felt leaden and depressed, and almost couldn't be bothered setting one foot in front of the other. at the same time, however, i felt restless. i didn't like that feeling at all. it lingered for maybe 20 minutes. that was enough, thanks.

i've got another two days of 10 mg before switching to 20 mg a day. we'll see how that goes. i guess it is a good thing that i am staying at home from work, because i expect the side effects to get worse when i double the dose. watch this space.

i have decided to record these things here for myself and also for others who might be in a similar situation or are looking for someone's experience with citalopram or trittico.

on a more pleasant note: i've had some poetry acceptances lately (most recently from the new Paris Lit Up magazine), and i have just made lovely sweet potato & tomato soup with coconut milk and served it with prawns. totally delicious! :)


sweet potato & tomato soup


song of the day: dancing in a minefield by plushgun.

i have actually seen a neurologist!

and not only have i seen him, i have spoken to him! so - a) neurologists exist and b) appointments with them can be a reality. ;)

this one, dr. k., is actually the neurologist i saw in 2007/8 at the crisis intervention centre at vienna general hospital, and he made a very good impression then, because he always took my concerns seriously and tried to answer all my questions regarding medication and every drug's mechanism of action as well as regarding the processes happening in my brain.

it was a good session today - once again, my concerns were not brushed off, and this made me feel more comfortable. i voiced concerns regarding sertralin, which i took last time, and which had not so pleasant side effects (as mentioned before: zero creativity, rapid weight loss, weeks of nausea, anorgasmia over long periods). so we discussed alternatives. he ended up suggesting citalopram, which is also an SSRI, but slightly different from sertralin. the recommended dose is 20 mg.

apart from that, due to renewed difficulties falling asleep / sleeping through the night, dr k. also suggested changing my dose of trittico retard from 75 mg to 100 mg for now, and then eventually to 150 mg.

so here i am again - back on more meds as of tomorrow morning. i was told to expect nausea again, and perhaps some dizziness. but we'll just have to wait and see how it goes. i have another appointment after my holidays, on 15 april.

it's not easy for me to accept that i need to take that stuff again, i am finding it difficult to regard the pills as my friends - although part of me knows, of course, that they are supposed to help me. i know i'd be way less opposed to taking drugs if it were only for a few weeks, like antibiotics or something, but this is mid- to long-term. and i am already dreading withdrawal symptoms.

dr k. also told me it would be very wise to stay off work until my holiday, i.e. all of this and next week. once again, something that i don't find easy to comply with, because of my sense of duty and all that well-trained old stuff. the part of me that is learning to be different knows that he is right, of course. he is only repeating what my therapist and GP advised three weeks ago.

so i guess i'll just try to be good to myself while getting used to the new medication. watch some good films, go for walks - even though the weather hardly seems to cooperate, we are in for eternal winter, it appears, cook nice food (if i don't feel too nauseous), maybe write a little, and try to rest. and on the NOT TO DO list: worry about work, guilty conscience, checking work emails every other hour, stress.

here's a suitable pic, taken yesterday:


dangling shoes


... and this quote

Someone once told me
To hold on to what's me
But I must be too slippery

[listen on youtube]

is from my

song of the day: my two feet by ida gard.