i have actually seen a neurologist!

and not only have i seen him, i have spoken to him! so - a) neurologists exist and b) appointments with them can be a reality. ;)

this one, dr. k., is actually the neurologist i saw in 2007/8 at the crisis intervention centre at vienna general hospital, and he made a very good impression then, because he always took my concerns seriously and tried to answer all my questions regarding medication and every drug's mechanism of action as well as regarding the processes happening in my brain.

it was a good session today - once again, my concerns were not brushed off, and this made me feel more comfortable. i voiced concerns regarding sertralin, which i took last time, and which had not so pleasant side effects (as mentioned before: zero creativity, rapid weight loss, weeks of nausea, anorgasmia over long periods). so we discussed alternatives. he ended up suggesting citalopram, which is also an SSRI, but slightly different from sertralin. the recommended dose is 20 mg.

apart from that, due to renewed difficulties falling asleep / sleeping through the night, dr k. also suggested changing my dose of trittico retard from 75 mg to 100 mg for now, and then eventually to 150 mg.

so here i am again - back on more meds as of tomorrow morning. i was told to expect nausea again, and perhaps some dizziness. but we'll just have to wait and see how it goes. i have another appointment after my holidays, on 15 april.

it's not easy for me to accept that i need to take that stuff again, i am finding it difficult to regard the pills as my friends - although part of me knows, of course, that they are supposed to help me. i know i'd be way less opposed to taking drugs if it were only for a few weeks, like antibiotics or something, but this is mid- to long-term. and i am already dreading withdrawal symptoms.

dr k. also told me it would be very wise to stay off work until my holiday, i.e. all of this and next week. once again, something that i don't find easy to comply with, because of my sense of duty and all that well-trained old stuff. the part of me that is learning to be different knows that he is right, of course. he is only repeating what my therapist and GP advised three weeks ago.

so i guess i'll just try to be good to myself while getting used to the new medication. watch some good films, go for walks - even though the weather hardly seems to cooperate, we are in for eternal winter, it appears, cook nice food (if i don't feel too nauseous), maybe write a little, and try to rest. and on the NOT TO DO list: worry about work, guilty conscience, checking work emails every other hour, stress.

here's a suitable pic, taken yesterday:


dangling shoes


... and this quote

Someone once told me
To hold on to what's me
But I must be too slippery

[listen on youtube]

is from my

song of the day: my two feet by ida gard.