pills, pains, poetry & pictures

i've been on the full dose of 20 mg citalopram and 150 mg trittico retard for two days now. i haven't had any more of those early mini migraine attacks, but there is still plenty of nausea and dizziness, especially after getting up, no matter what time it is. i feel leaden, very tired and subdued in the mornings, as if i were wading through molasses or some such. i sleep well, but after taking my trittico ret. i still need an hour or so before i fall asleep. today i set my alarm for 07:15, got up about 25 minutes later, the earliest (by between one hour and six hours) in quite a while, and now, at 09:20 i still have problems keeping my eyes open, and i feel as if i'd just crawled out of bed after a particularly late night. my eyes, now, they still feel weird. i am no longer constantly conscious of them, but still frequently. and there are times, like this morning, when it's as if i were looking through mist or a dirty window (and no, it's not my glasses!). very unpleasant, that. i am trying not to think about it too much, but if this doesn't change (the tiredness, the problems with my eyes), how will i ever manage to get up at 06:20 and be fit for work at 08:00? they might as well employ a zombie!

but now, of course, i am on holiday! i am leaving for the isle of wight tomorrow - the plane leaves at 06:20. don't ask me how i will go about staying awake long enough to get up, let alone get ready! the neighbours might object to blaring music at 04:15 a.m. ... also, i may have been a tad optimistic about england in april. but from my experience it had always been much nicer there than here around easter. this year, however, most of europe seems to still be firmly in the grip of winter. more snow is on its way to vienna, looks like i will be leaving home in subzero C temperatures! at least i take it for granted that the south of england will be warmer than THAT! i just hope it will be dry. and if not, well, perhaps i should just take another plane to somewhere warm once i arrive at gatwick ....

the good news of the day are mostly poetry-related:

stone highway review has recently accepted a previously published poem (a rare occurence), one that has always been very special to me, "Open Letter to a Poet". it's very personal, and i remember reading it at vienna lit festival in 2008. it was perfect, i think you really would have heard a pin drop, the audience was so attentive - i really "had" them.

yesterday susan yount of arsenic lobster poetry journal told me i was top of her list of nominations for best new poets 2013, asking me if i qualified - and i do. so, i am now a best new poets 2013 nominee! i am very grateful to susan for her support, and whatever comes of this, i am honoured to have been nominated!

i've arranged to meet a dear old friend - my girl in istanbul, özge - in passau later this month, and i'm looking forward to that.

i've also finally edited the photos taken in venice in november 2011, my 40th birthday mini-break! editing pictures seems to be a perfect task for me at the moment, keeps me focused, and my hands busy. here are a couple of pictures, you can find more over on flickr.


ghost gondola



ghostly sun



prostrate



winter cabins



reverence (s. diaghilev's grave)



speedboat



blue



feline-human contact



a different kind of tricolore



h&m in burano



candy colours & ubiquitous tower



tabletop bird


song of the day: wasteland by woodkid.

published poems are more fun than depression

day 1 on 20 mg of citalopram. day 2 on 125 mg of trittico ret. not enjoying it. i sleep okay, but i am leaden and extremely tired and slow when i get up. nausea comes and goes, last night i thought i was going to throw up. the headaches, at least, seem to have stopped. dizziness comes and goes, too. the funny stuff with my eyes, however, is really starting to bother me. it's as if i were constantly aware of my eyes, especially - for some reason - the left one. my neurologist is away this week though, so i cannot ask him about that.

i saw my therapist today, described my symptoms ... and, of course, she says, of course you feel like that. what you describe so beautifully, is your depression. duh. seems the panic has already been replaced by that dullness. we discussed strategies that will help me deal with it. i find it helps me to talk to myself, saying out loud what i am doing (e.g. "now i'm going to fold this ... and put it in the closet ...). editing the 16 months old venice photos works well, too - i can focus on that, when concentrating on some other things is impossible. dancing does me good. i've put together a playlist of songs that always make me want to get up and dance. and i ought to remind myself to do challenging things only when they are things i enjoy doing, and it's okay to neglect the rest.

occasionally i feel bad, or guilty, because other people's lives are so much harder than mine - refugees, people with terminal illnesses, homeless people, the list goes on. but i guess it doesn't actually make me a worse person to have this affliction for the time being and to take care of myself.

for the poetically inclined: three of my poems have just been published in the always fabulous IthacaLit magazine. grab your drink of choice and spend some time with good poetry.


song of the day: z'lied vor freiheitsstatue by sophie hunger.

side effects

day 2 on 10 mg of citalopram. i know it's early days, but ... today i almost wished for my old sertralin back!

yesterday, a couple of hours after taking the first 10 mg, i started feeling dizzy, then nauseous, and then i had the strangest sensation of pressure behind my eyeballs for maybe 10-15 minutes. that was *really* unpleasant. nausea came and went for about 6 or 7 hours, dizzy spells for 2-3 hours. i had a couple of "headache attacks", which only lasted 5-10 minutes each. also, i didn't feel hungry most of the day.

today i've felt worse. i keep getting those 5-10 minute headaches, but they feel like mini migraines, make my eyes hurt, as if someone were squeezing really hard behind my eyeballs. i felt nauseous for a while, especially about 2 hours after taking the pill. and - something i didn't experience yesterday - i suddenly felt as if the weight of the world were on my shoulders. i felt leaden and depressed, and almost couldn't be bothered setting one foot in front of the other. at the same time, however, i felt restless. i didn't like that feeling at all. it lingered for maybe 20 minutes. that was enough, thanks.

i've got another two days of 10 mg before switching to 20 mg a day. we'll see how that goes. i guess it is a good thing that i am staying at home from work, because i expect the side effects to get worse when i double the dose. watch this space.

i have decided to record these things here for myself and also for others who might be in a similar situation or are looking for someone's experience with citalopram or trittico.

on a more pleasant note: i've had some poetry acceptances lately (most recently from the new Paris Lit Up magazine), and i have just made lovely sweet potato & tomato soup with coconut milk and served it with prawns. totally delicious! :)


sweet potato & tomato soup


song of the day: dancing in a minefield by plushgun.

i have actually seen a neurologist!

and not only have i seen him, i have spoken to him! so - a) neurologists exist and b) appointments with them can be a reality. ;)

this one, dr. k., is actually the neurologist i saw in 2007/8 at the crisis intervention centre at vienna general hospital, and he made a very good impression then, because he always took my concerns seriously and tried to answer all my questions regarding medication and every drug's mechanism of action as well as regarding the processes happening in my brain.

it was a good session today - once again, my concerns were not brushed off, and this made me feel more comfortable. i voiced concerns regarding sertralin, which i took last time, and which had not so pleasant side effects (as mentioned before: zero creativity, rapid weight loss, weeks of nausea, anorgasmia over long periods). so we discussed alternatives. he ended up suggesting citalopram, which is also an SSRI, but slightly different from sertralin. the recommended dose is 20 mg.

apart from that, due to renewed difficulties falling asleep / sleeping through the night, dr k. also suggested changing my dose of trittico retard from 75 mg to 100 mg for now, and then eventually to 150 mg.

so here i am again - back on more meds as of tomorrow morning. i was told to expect nausea again, and perhaps some dizziness. but we'll just have to wait and see how it goes. i have another appointment after my holidays, on 15 april.

it's not easy for me to accept that i need to take that stuff again, i am finding it difficult to regard the pills as my friends - although part of me knows, of course, that they are supposed to help me. i know i'd be way less opposed to taking drugs if it were only for a few weeks, like antibiotics or something, but this is mid- to long-term. and i am already dreading withdrawal symptoms.

dr k. also told me it would be very wise to stay off work until my holiday, i.e. all of this and next week. once again, something that i don't find easy to comply with, because of my sense of duty and all that well-trained old stuff. the part of me that is learning to be different knows that he is right, of course. he is only repeating what my therapist and GP advised three weeks ago.

so i guess i'll just try to be good to myself while getting used to the new medication. watch some good films, go for walks - even though the weather hardly seems to cooperate, we are in for eternal winter, it appears, cook nice food (if i don't feel too nauseous), maybe write a little, and try to rest. and on the NOT TO DO list: worry about work, guilty conscience, checking work emails every other hour, stress.

here's a suitable pic, taken yesterday:


dangling shoes


... and this quote

Someone once told me
To hold on to what's me
But I must be too slippery

[listen on youtube]

is from my

song of the day: my two feet by ida gard.

one toothbrush in the tooth mug looks lonely

so do i buy another one to keep it company, or will that only make it worse? would that make me a sad person like the people who buy relaxing music for their cats or dogs (i am not kidding you, i thought i had misread when i first saw them in a store yesterday)? is it normal to write down lines from an episode of men in trees, because it feels as if marin were talking about me? how do you get used to being single? how do you know whether you like it or not? how do i come to terms with the fact that i am totally disappointed in the man i was very much in love with, by how he handles (or does not handle) the situation now? do i worry about myself because i switch off my mobile when i get home, and don't switch it on at all on a saturday? am i hiding behind work? can one night stands be an option when you miss sex but are making lists of what consequences they might have, what further complications they might bring? how do i stop asking questions, especially since i can't even have red wine to go with them?

apart from obviously thinking too much, i have been working - my morning class is really going well; i only have seven more days with this group, and i know i will miss them. it's been fun. i have also started to teach some afternoons - over the next 10 weeks or so i will have 7 different groups of people who only work from spring until fall (people working in catering, outdoor pools, etc). i have had a first lesson (4 hrs) with two of the groups, the first is quite okay, apart from the inevitable sexist jokes you get in classes of mostly men; but they seem to want to learn. the second group is very different: many of the students are absolute beginners because they come from mongolia, croatia, iraq, etc while some of them are quite good and are pissed off about having to take these classes (they are not just doing english, but different training modules), and one woman actually got mad and told me to "finally leave [her] alone with this!" i talked to her and two others trying to work out a solution where everybody gets some of what they want - them, the weaker students, and me. this week will be tough - 5 mornings, 3 afternoons, 1 evening. wish me luck.

medication: i was on 1.5 sertralin for a while longer than planned, because the pills really made/make me feel sick, and i didn't want to increase dosage on those two long teaching days. so instead of wednesday, yesterday was the first day i took 2. of course i have been feeling nauseous, and my stomach seems pretty upset. i don't feel like eating most of the time. blah.

i've been playing scrabulous quite a bit and hope they won't really have to shut it down (copyright stuff). i'm also spending way too much time on facebook.

i've also printed out, cut and folded 100 copies of my poem Open Letter to A Poet for dancing girl press' love letter project, and i have finally sent out all those copies of my chapbox that i still owed people.

and i continue to be very impressed with simone muench's orange girl. if you would like a copy, you can order one from dancing girl press.

thanks again to the one and only nic-olé for her music mixes. that's where today's song of the day comes from.


song of the day: ruby blue by roisin murphy.

press 1 ...

... and you'll get to read poetry and prose! the brand-new issue contains my mini-series of three poems, stills 1-3: collision, equinox, and ties. i'm happy to be part of the zine!

* * *

the not quite so good news concerns my medication: my doctor and i decided that i am going to a) try herbal medicine in addition to the 75mg of trittico at night, because i have had trouble falling asleep (and if that does not work, more trittico), and b) take one and a half sertralin for a week, then two (instead of the one i have been on for weeks). he said i should be feeling less anxious by now, so we'll have to increase the dosage. i had expected it after the look on his face when i last saw him. so, this will probably mean feeling sick again every morning. what fun.


song of the day: the blower's daughter by damien rice.

unexpected delight

just checked the trillium website to see whether the issue has finally gone online - it had been loooong overdue when i last checked, but at that time i was actually told the website did not exist! - and it has. my elements poem Niobium (Nb) - Niobe's Loss can be found among the 300 pages of poetry, fiction and non-fiction.

i haven't been feeling too well over the last few days, but managed to get a fair bit of prep work done this weekend anyway. i have been sleeping better, but that is probably due to the slightly increased dosage (75 instead of 50 mg) of trittico retard that i have been taking since my last appointment with the doctor. i had my second therapy session this week, the next will be on thursday. tackling one of my number one issues. the progressive muscle relaxation exercises are going really well. i look forward to those 40 minutes of peace and quiet and relaxation every day. in my opinion this is one of the things they should teach in schools!

i'm going to watch along came polly on tv later, do some ironing and submit a few poems to foursquare. a glass of wine would go nicely with all of that, but ... *sigh* it will have to be chocolate instead. :)

song of the day: sylvie by sweet honey in the rock.

a not-so-very-exciting blog post

i saw the doctor again on tuesday, and we agreed that i'll try one sertralin in the morning and see how that goes, whether the nausea will gradually become less of a problem. it's strange, for a few days this week, it was better, but yesterday i felt sick all morning. still, the attacks are happening a lot less often, and that is good. i've just been really tired this week, and not very bouncy either. rather sad and subdued, and that worries me. i know people mean well when they say that an ending is always a new beginning and i should look forward to my "new life", enjoying single life, etc, but it is too soon. i cannot enjoy it now. i'm scared, too. i've had to deal with too much crap this year, i am worried sick over my finances, and it would be lovely to have someone by my side. in addition to my amazing friends, that is. *s*

so, still no money from that company, despite another promise to expect payment around 16 november, and several letters. also, this is my last week in amstetten, and i haven't got anything for december yet. not good.

winter struck much too soon this year - lots of snow on friday, between 15 and 40 cm (6 to 16 in) in/around vienna! my train was really late that morning - 30 minutes. when i got home, i quickly dropped off my work stuff, put some warm clothes on, and went to central cemetery again to take pics. i hope to have them edited and up soon.



my chapbooks still haven't arrived, but the good news is that even before i have the 45 copies i'm getting, they're all already spoken for! i am swapping with quite a few poets whose chapbooks i've been wanting to read (i like this idea of chapbooks as a kind of currency *s*), giving some to close friends as presents, and selling the rest. i'll have to order more soon. :) i'll present the chapbook at the next open mic, on 7 december.

i'm still not writing, and i miss it. i really, really miss it. not sending out many subs either these days, too busy, and waiting to hear back from some journals that don't take sim subs. allen itz has been kind enough to ask for some of my photos and a poem to feature on his blog - one of the pictures and a secret meaning poem can be viewed there.

i went to a film premiere last night, a short film (30 min) called three old men, because my friend sabine knows the guy who edited the film, christoffer. interesting, though maybe a couple of parts were a bit over the top. the actors were very good.

not very exciting, all this, but that's okay. :)


song of the day: haiti by the arcade fire.

stuff (which is a very, very original headline)

photography

in a comment on a recent blog post, sara asked this:

what is it about photography that seems to really attract poets? (including me) of all the other arts, it seems poets most gravitate to music and photography. music makes such obvious sense. but what is it, i wonder, about photography?

interesting, because i had been thinking about what *i* am looking for in photography, what attracts me when i am out to take pictures, what i am trying to capture, and i had been wondering about what poetry and photography have in common.

for one thing, it's imperfections that attract me: i'll choose a faded, wilting rose over a perfect blossom any day, because it tells a much more interesting story, and has more "character". i love trying to find beauty (and again, i am not talking about perfection) or a story in unlikely places, in cityscapes, in places that at a first glance might not be considered attractive, interesting, let alone beautiful. i am looking for contrasts, for something special in what we see every day. i am trying to find new angles of looking at things, details that others will not even notice.

and isn't all that what poets do? walk through the world with their eyes open, capturing things that many people might not see at all, or if they do, then look at them in a new, original way? and surely poets have to pay attention to detail.

sure, they are different media, but i think they have a lot more in common than one might assume.

work

it's been going well, i am enjoying the english class in amstetten, and i think so are my students. and of course i am learning a lot, too. i have quite a bit of prep work to do, but i get a lot done on the train. another two weeks to go. what worries me, is that i haven't got anything for december yet.

health

i had another appointment with the doctor on tuesday. he seemed a bit worried that the sertralin doesn't seem to be doing much except make me feel nauseous, and that i have not been sleeping as well as i used to. i said it might have to do with the divorce, which was on my mind a lot of the time, and which i was not exactly looking forward to (being scared of panic attacks, etc). so we decided that i continue as usual except wednesday, and the doctor left it up to me whether i wanted to take one sertralin instead of a half starting saturday. i decided to try, and it made me feel quite sick. we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

after my panic attack monday night, the doctor said to take a whole xanor on tuesday evening, perhaps a whole sertralin on wednesday, and another xanor on the way to court. and that is what i did. i cannot believe there are people who take up to 3 xanor daily. they must be completely subdued and kind of beside themselves. i felt really tired and a bit odd after all these pills. but at least i did not have any symptoms of anxiety.

i have another appointment on tuesday, and it is quite possible that we have to increase dosage of one thing or another. sigh.

i've lost quite a lot of weight lately, which is not bad in itself, but it has happened a little fast ... the other day i thought i was being very optimistic and tried on an old pair of jeans 3 sizes smaller than what i wore before the summer, and they fit.

music

i am at the arcade fire concert tonight, quite looking forward to it, and i am hoping that i won't feel too uncomfortable in the crowd (i always stay at the back or side anyway). the only thing i don't fancy is going outside again: it is chilly with a very fierce northerly wind, and it's wet, too. ugh.

egami rorrim




song of the day: no cars go by the arcade fire.

"you can freeze like a 30th century man"

i had a follow-up appointment with the doctor at the clinic on tuesday. we talked about my ambivalence about medication for quite a while. i do know that the medication can help me, but i am still unhappy about having to take it. one of my main issues at the moment is a fear of losing control, and so many things that are happening this year *are* actually beyond my control. and what these pills do, is also beyond my control, and that might be why i am not comfortable with it. when i said that i have accepted the fact that i need help, which was difficult in the beginning, the doctor didn't seem to be entirely convinced, because of my reluctance to take medication, but he did see that i really wanted to start psychotherapy. i thought about it for a bit, and found that there was a difference in that *i* play a part in psychotherapy ("*i* am in it" was how i put it, i think), while with medication, well, i take it and it does something to me. after listening to what i said about my anxiety and the panic attacks, the doctor suggested additional medication. he said i could either increase the dosage of trittico retard (a whole pill instead of 2/3) or take an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), but he would definitely suggest the latter. but of course he left it up to me to decide whether i wanted that or not. he ended up giving me a package of sertralin (zoloft): "you decide whether you want to take it or not." i am taking half a pill in the mornings now, and of course it makes me nauseous, and even gives me cramps for about 15-20 minutes. yesterday i felt slightly sick well into the afternoon. and i find i want to eat even less. so i am not particularly happy about this.

of course something else happened this week, just so i don't get the impression that this series of unfortunate events might actually come to an end. wednesday evening, when the washing machine cycle was finished, i opened the machine, and next thing i knew, the bathroom was under water. so – looks like the washing machine is dying on me. just what i needed on a day i heard about more taxes to be paid in advance, and with social security payments coming up again. i wasn't very relaxed, kept dropping things, then i knocked something over, and that did it – i just sat down on the floor and had a really bad crying fit. after that, i kept bursting into tears again and again, and felt anxious and nervous and panicky, so i decided to take half a xanor, because i didn't think i would be able to relax enough to fall asleep without it. i don't know what people do who take more than half a pill, because even that dosage makes me really, really tired (though the doctor says it is partly due to falling stress levels). at least i could sleep.

i now know that the day sepp and i have to appear in court to finalise the divorce, is november 7. i don't even want to think about it. i honestly dread it. i am already scared i might have a panic attack before it, or while there, and it is still 11 days to go! of course they had to make it a date when i am working, and a time i cannot make without finding a teacher who can sub for me or having to leave work early, etc. can nothing be simple?!

my friends continue to be the most wonderful people in the world. :)

* * * * *

thursday evening i went to see the stephen kijak documentary "scott walker – 30th century man" at the film festival. very good. walker is one of those artists that are hugely influential (at least in europe), and yet remain a mystery and are far from being a commercial success. a true avant-garde artist. he was one third of the walker brothers (remember "the sun ain't gonna shine anymore", that sixties classic?), but then discovered french songwriter jacques brel, translated him, and drifted into songwriting. he does really experimental, monumental stuff, industrial music. (fantastic to have the cameras in the studio the day he needs the sound of raw meat being slapped: he does not have it produced on a computer, he has raw meat brought into the studio and a percussionist "plays" it, to get the sound just right!) not everybody's cup of tea, and not music you simply put on as background music, more something you need to explore and that constantly requires your attention. or at least most of his more recent stuff does (um, that gives the wrong impression, because he puts out an album about once a decade). i have somehow always neglected to dig deeper, i must confess, and only started listening to him more (again) a little while ago when i saw his video "jesse" on austrian station gotv.

david bowie, richard hawley, alison goldfrapp, marc almond, jarvis cocker, radiohead, et al talked about his influence. so, this one's definitely recommended. particularly interesting: the sequences where walker speaks about inspiration and the creative process, and about his lyrics (which are worth checking out).

i need to share this quote that's on walker's album "scott 4" and which he mentioned in the interview in context of his creative process and the reason why he's in it (ie music):

"A man's work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover through the detours of art those two or three great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened."
Albert Camus

director stephen kijak was there, to talk about the film and answer questions afterwards. an old girlfriend of scott walker's, an ex-playboy bunny, happened to be in the audience as well.

* * * * *

poetry-wise: chapbook's not quite out yet, but soon. watch this space.

a poem's up at stone table review: nocturnal triptych from room 116.


song of the day: 30th century man by scott walker.